‘I’m Sir Roger and I’m Fucked’

Oct 5, 2008 | Arts, Australian Values, Border Security, Capital Punishment, Citizenship, Corruption, Cultural Values, Democracy, Economic Values, Fame, Freedom of Speech, Global Warming, Humour, Immigration, Indigenous, Legal, Lifestyle & Life, Media Values, OzPol Values, PedoPriests, Racism, Religious Values, Science Values, Terrorism, Uncategorized, USPol, Values, War

‘I’m Sir Roger and I’m Fucked’

 

This is not for you

 

Really. We just want to acknowledge ourselves privately but publicly (it makes sense to us, anyway). It’s not meant to be onanistically self-congratulatory, except in the sense that we have achieved some things and we want to record them.
So this is a stocktake for posterity, if you like, that marks a moment, a milestone.

Yes, ValuesAustralia is two years old. This is our 712th post. Singlehanded, eh, Clubtroppo, Larvatus Prodeo, RoadtoSurfdom etc. etc.? That’s almost one a day. (There used to be a billboard for One A Day vitamin pills at the corner of Victoria Rd and Rowntree Street at Blackwattle Bay in Sydney. There was a picture of a man and a woman. The woman was saying, “I’m Jenny and I give John One A Day.” Soon a graffiti artist had added, “I’m John and I’m fucked!”)

And, yes, we’re just about fucked, ourselves. We’ve got a rotator cuff from all the typing and mouse clicking, especially during October and November last year.

(We went to the radiologist. “What seems to be the problem?” “I’ve got a sore shoulder.” “Hmm…we’ll do an ultrasound and an x-ray…… Hmm…. Hmmmmmm, our expert analysis of the ultrasound and x-ray indicates you have a sore shoulder. You’ll have to stop using it for a while.” “Thanks….What?)

We’ve never paid for any advertising. We’ve never submitted ValuesAustralia to any search engine. Nevertheless, we got ourselves listed on Google within 24 hours of launching the site. We tried to register the site with dmoz.org (The Open Source Directory) – as you do – but it wasn’t taking orders, and by the time it came back on line months later, ValuesAustralia was already magically listed!

We’ve been #1 for “Australian Values” on Google, Yahoo, Live and Ask most of the time for more than a year and a half. We’re #12 for “values” on Google worldwide, out of 314,000,000 results and on google.com.au we’re #2 for “values” out of 307,000,000. We’re #1 on google worldwide and Australia for “Australian political values” out of about 400,000 results.

Our Google Page Rank is 4 (used to be 5 but they changed the algorithm) which is respectable but we’d prefer a 5 or a 6.

We’ve had over 300,000 aggregate visitors and more than 75,000 spam messages (thank you, Akismet).

Earlier this year we were consistently getting more than 1000 visitors a day – over 30,000 a month, which is okay, although nothing like the big guys.

We’ve made friends all over the world and especially in Australia. We are in the top 1% of websites worldwide. We are popular in Saudi Arabia – amongst the top 42,000 favourite sites for Saudis. (That worries us just a bit…Say hullo to Al for us…) We appreciate our readers and those who choose to comment from time to time. We thought a scarcity of comments was a Bad Thing, a Failure, but we noticed that one of the most popular, most entertaining bloggers we know of, Whatever It Is, I’m Against It, doesn’t get heaps, either – a few, but not tens like Possum or hundreds and thousands like William the PollBludger.

In May 2007 ValuesAustralia was picked up by the “Stay In Touch” column at the Sydney Morning Herald, accusing us of “rhetoric”.

One of Sir Roger’s posts was selected by ClubTroppo and On Line Opinion in January 2008 as one of the top 40 posts in Australia for 2007. We’re very proud of that.

But it’s a post we made early in 2007 that we are still most proud of. Ken Parish at ClubTroppo called it

“quite possibly the best piece of passionate, angry polemic I’ve ever read, certainly on a blog. ‘Roger Migently’ is roused to extraordinary heights of eloquence… ”

Yes, Troppo has been good to us and we mourn the passing of Missing Link and Ken’s prolonged work-induced(?) absence. We were also congratulated by Richard Neville (HomePageDaily) and Steven Poole whose Unspeak blog is our benchmark for economy, clarity, style and wit.

We have enjoyed the journey so far and we have no intention at this stage of stopping, although we have slowed down (work, you know).

Bobbo the Clown

Our favourite person in the world, of course, is the clown, Bob Correll (above), Deputy Secretary of DIC, OPM, because he wrote us the letter which inspired our outburst. As we discovered he was (and appears still to be) the person who had taken over departmental responsibility for “Borders, Compliance, Detention and Technology”, or in other words, perhaps, for keeping innocent kiddies locked up in the desert, deporting Australian citizens, supporting the failed state of Nauru, making the lives of genuine refugees a misery, doing it to please the Minister, and all at the touch of a computer key. Previously he had been the driving force behind developing and implementing Job Network, or “how to design exquisite, personalised punishment for people who are already struggling with the stress of being unemployed”. Godluvvya, Bob! How’s the Volvo? How’s the kids? How do you sleep at night?

One of the most satisfying things is how we always beat the Immigration Department on Google.

Our second favourite person is Mick Keelty, just for being such a hopeless buffoon and continually making appalling stuff-ups for us to make fun of. G’bye, Mick.

Anyway, just for the record.

(And a special “hi!” to Lang!)

Expertology

May 5, 2008 | Australian Values, Democracy, Humour, Media Values, OzPol Values, Religious Values, USPol, Values, War

Expertology

 

How the Experts Won the Iraq War in Weeks Rather Than Years

 

The newest Bill Moyers Journal episode includes an interview with Victor Navasky and Christopher Cerf, whose new book MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! OR HOW WE WON THE WAR IN IRAQ looks back at what the experts told us would happen in Iraq. It’s quite funny except it’s all true.
You can watch it here:

 

What the experts said:

DONALD RUMSFELD:
“It could last, you know, six days, six weeks. I doubt six months.”
CHENEY:
”I think it’ll go relatively quickly…weeks rather than months.”
PAUL WOLFOWITZ:
“We can say with reasonable confidence that the notion of hundreds of thousands of American troops is way off the mark…We are dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction and relatively soon.

WILLIAM KRISTOL: “The first two battles of this new era are now over. The battles of Afghanistan and Iraq have been won decisively and honorably.”

RICHARD PERLE:  The war, “…ended quickly with few civilian casualties and with little damage to Iraq’s cities, towns or infrastructure…it ended… without the quagmire [the war’s critics] predicted…relax and enjoy it.”
MONA CHARON: “the man who slept through many classes at Yale and partied the nights away stands revealed as a profound and great leader who will reshape the world for the better. The United States is lucky once again.”
CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER: “The only people who think this wasn’t a victory are Upper West Side liberals and a few people here in Washington.”
WILLIAM KRISTOL:”I think there’s been a certain amount of frankly.. pop sociology in America…that…the Shia can’t get along with the Sunni and the Shia in Iraq just want to establish some kind of Islamic fundamentalist regime. There’s almost no evidence of that at all. Iraq’s always been very secular.”

Here’s an excerpt from the interview with Navasky and Cerf:

VICTOR NAVASKY: Well, at every stage, there was someone who proclaimed that it was over. And– when this book came out, we were told isn’t it a shame that it’s coming out now, because the country has reached a turning point with the surge. And based on our research at the Institute of Expertology … we were sympathetic to the point of view that we’ve reached a turning point. Because, as we show in the book, in 2003, we were told by the President of the United States that we’ve reached a turning point. And then, in 2004, we were told we had reached a turning point.
And then, in 2005, we were told by Donald Rumsfeld we have reached a turning point. And then– So every year, three or four times, we seem to have reached a turning point. So that’s one of the ways that we have triumphed.

 

BILL MOYERS: So how do you decide who is an expert? What makes an expert?

 

CHRISTOPHER CERF: Well, I think if you are in the government – this is one of the problems we have in the country – you are, by definition, an expert. In fact, you’re unpatriotic if you disagree with someone in the government. And your expertise, if you had any before, becomes suspect.

 

BILL MOYERS: But these experts also included scholars, pundits, columnists.

 

VICTOR NAVASKY: People are believed to be experts who proclaim their expertise. Some of them do it directly. Others do it by using jargon, by parading the number of articles they’ve published, by their titles, and by their uniforms. And then, people who have positions of status and power, whether in the press, who are supposed to be adversaries of the establishment. Or, you know, the heads of departments – great departments of government – are assumed to know what they’re talking about. So anyone who is presumed to know what he is talking about, we, at the Institute of Expertology are ready to say, as an expert, but you have to trust us – they don’t.

But who are their favourite “experts”?

VICTOR NAVASKY: I have a favorite expert and a friend. And Chris, I’m sure, has his. But my favorite quote – he’s my favorite expert. But it’s a quote by Paul Wolfowitz, who, you know, came from the academic community, and then had this very important career in the Defense Department, et cetera.
And he says, at one point, “I think foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq.”

Happy Saturnalia

Dec 24, 2007 | Arts, Australian Values, Cultural Values, Democracy, Economic Values, Humour, Lifestyle & Life, OzPol Values, Religious Values, Science Values, Values

Happy Saturnalia

 

Absolute relaxation and unrestrained merriment 

 

 This time of year is a traditional celebration of the birth of an extraordinary man – a long-haired mystic who revealed the secrets of the universe and forever changed the way we see the world. He is one of the most universally revered historical figures of all time.

Yes, 25 December (in the “Old Style“) is the birthday of Sir Isaac Newton.

His birthday was retrospectively celebrated in antiquity by the Romans in the festival of Saturnus, or the Saturnalia

Or perhaps the birthday of Sol Invictus, the unconquered sun. Other cultures also celebrated the winter solstice as Yule, or the birthdays of various gods.

The Romans attributed to the god Saturnus the introduction of agriculture and the arts of civilized life. Falling towards the end of December, at the season when the agricultural labours of the year were fully completed, it was celebrated in ancient times by the rustic population as a sort of joyous harvest-home, and in every age was viewed by all classes of the community as a period of absolute relaxation and unrestrained merriment.

 

During its continuance no public business could be transacted, the law courts were closed, the schools kept holiday, to commence a war was impious, to punish a malefactor involved pollution. Special indulgences were granted to the slaves of each domestic establishment; they were relieved from all ordinary toils, were permitted to wear the pileus, the badge of freedom, were granted full freedom of speech, partook of a banquet attired in the clothes of their masters, and were waited upon by them at table.

 

All ranks devoted themselves to feasting and mirth, presents were exchanged among friends, cerei or wax tapers being the common offering of the more humble to their superiors, and crowds thronged the streets.

Seems oddly familiar…

It was Newton who formalised the importance of gravity in the motion of the planets and his laws remain largely the basis on which today we are able to compute the trajectories and forces to send spacecraft to explore our solar system. (with a little help from Einstein)

One of these craft, Cassini, has been exploring Saturn and its moons and sending back amazing images. Last year it sent back this extraordinary [mosaic] image:

You will be able to notice this:

Interior to the G ring and above the brighter main rings is the pale dot of Earth. Cassini views its point of origin from over a billion kilometers (and close to a billion miles) away in the icy depths of the outer solar system.

 

This image of Saturn is eerily reminiscent of a monument to Newton that was never built.

 

Étienne-Louis Boullée was a visionary French neoclassical architect whose work greatly influenced contemporary architects and is still influential today… His style was most notably exemplified in his proposal for a cenotaph for the English scientist Isaac Newton, which would have taken the form of a sphere 150 m (500 ft) high embedded in a circular base topped with cypress trees. Though the structure was never built, its design was engraved and circulated widely in professional circles.

So Happy Saturnalia to one and all!

And as our special seasonal gift to you, here are two videos to put a smile on the face of you, your friends and family:

 

Germany vs Greece: The Millennial Match

 

 

Women: Know Your Limits

  

 

The Front Fell Off

Nov 16, 2007 | Australian Values, Corruption, Economic Values, Humour, Media Values, OzPol Values, Racism, Science Values, Terrorism, Values

The Front Fell Off

All the sage analysts and opinionators, as well as the “’King Makers‘” – as News Ltd “’journalist’s” like to refer to themselves – seem to be agreed that there is a mood for change in the electorate. They agree that it’s not really about John Howard blowing it, as much as that after twelve years people want a change. It’s not that they dislike Howard, they say, but that they’re bored with him.

Values Australia begs to differ.

We assert that a large percentage of people have actively disliked Howard for most of his twelve years, and particularly in the last six.

It seems to us that Beazley wasn’t it. Nice enough bloke and all but he didn’t have the guts to chest up to Howard. Crean was a joke, frankly. Latham was, well, clearly a fruitcake, they thought. And yet almost anyone would have done, except that they had to be able to be credible enough to manage some pretty important stuff.

So along comes Kevin Rudd at last and everyone holds their breath hoping and praying that ‘Neo’ Rudd is “The One”. And Rudd does stand firm enough and plausible enough, and he has more than held his own against Howard for long enough. The people decided months ago. The election result was decided as soon as Rudd looked safely electable.

The country is already heaving a sigh of relief that it finally looks as if it is about to be able to cut loose John Howard and his corrosive regime.

What we are now seeing of Howard is that he is not after all the political genius he has been reputed to be. We are seeing Howard ‘unplugged’ – unplugged from Arthur Sinodinis who was the real genius.

Howard solo.

So Rudd, in a way, can’t take too much credit for his own success except for being good enough.

Whateverrr.

Anyway, we were just chatting amongst ourself and wondering whether on Sunday morning 25 November, Brian Dawe might interview John Howard about how his Front Fell Off.

He’s done it before.

Well, we dare to hope.

UPDATE

Well, the front really has fallen off. Tony Abbott has revealed all about WorkChoices.

” I accept that certain ‘protections’, in inverted commas, are not what they were, I accept that that has largely gone. I accept that,” he said.

“I accept that the ‘Industrial Relations Commission’ doesn’t have the same power to reach into the nook and crannies of every ‘business’ that it used to have.”

We knew that, actually. That’s one of the reasons why the coalition is so unpopular.

But we do appreciate the birth of a new euphemism.

“The best ‘protection’ for someone who’s unhappy in their current job is the chance of a new one,” said Abbott.

No more ‘down-sizing’, ‘right-sizing’, ‘reorganisation’, ‘rationalisation’, ‘surplus to requirements’, or ‘changes to production’; no more “letting you go, Wayne”.

We now look forward to hearing employers telling their staff, “We’re excited to be able to offer you the chance of a new job, Frank.” Or, “Beryl, we’re happy to say we’ve arranged some excellent job protection for you!”

So John, we’re delighted to announce we’ve arranged the chance of a new job for you. We’re sure you’ll appreciate this is the kind of protection you could only dream of.

In other news…

“Don’t forget to be frightened about those evil sand-niggers!”

On television last night the National Security Hotline commercial was on TV.

8 days away from a ‘federal election’.

Originally badged as “Authorised by the Australian Government Canberra” it is now authorised “M Keelty, Chief Commissioner, Australian Federal Police“.

Can there be any more transparently cynical attempt by Howard to get around the election advertising laws to blow the anti-muslim dogwhistle?

In fact, is it actually legal for them to do this?

And can there any longer possibly be any question that the appalling, scandal-ridden, utterly discredited and totally compromised Keelty is irredeemably politicised – in fact has offered himself up to the political game by his own choice?

‘Sub-Prime’ Explained as Never Before

Nov 12, 2007 | Australian Values, Corruption, Economic Values, Humour, Values

‘Sub-Prime’ Explained as Never Before

 

“Too stupid to be real…”

 

If you only watch one online comedy sketch this year, (as we used to say (almost) at ABC Promos) this should be it. 
We promise. You will laugh…and perhaps cry at the same time,

If you ever wondered what was up with those “Sub-Prime Mortgages” and why they were creating such havoc in the financial world, the famous and hilarious British comedy team of John Fortune and John Bird will explain it all to you.

No, they really will.

It looks like comedy and it sounds like comedy and it all seems too stupid to be real. Surely it’s all made up. But you should know that the “High-Grade Structured Credit Strategies Enhanced Leverage Fund” is very real, and so is “Bear Stearns“.

“The people that lent all this money must have been incredibly stupid…

“Oh, no…no…no. The reality is that what was stupid is that at some point somebody asked how much money these houses were actually worth! If they hadn’t have bothered to ask that question everything would have gone on as perfectly normal…but unfortunately they did…”

Enjoy!

 

The Man of Mode

Oct 6, 2007 | Australian Values, Democracy, Humour, OzPol Values, Values

The Man of Mode

 

or Sir Fopling Flutter – “God Almighty’s Fool”

 

 Most modern wits such monstrous fools have shown,

They seem’d not of heaven’s making, but their own.

Those nauseous harlequins in farce may pass,

But there goes more to a substantial ass;

Something of man must be exposed to view,

That, gallants, they may more resemble you:

Sir Fopling is a fool so nicely writ,

The ladies would mistake him for a wit

And when he sings, talks loud, and cocks, would cry:

“I vow, methinks he’s pretty company”

So brisk, so gay, so travell’d, so refined,

As he took pains to graft upon his kind.

True fops help nature’s work, and go to school

To file and finish God Almighty’s fool.

from the Epilogue to The Man Of Mode by George Etherege (1676)

 

Sir Fopling Downer

“Pwithee, when I am engaged upon my intwigues, bwayingly bewating a burmese genewal, par examplé, e’en the lewdest of them all, I would fain cawwy upon my person a big stick, adorn’d forsooth with wibbons upon’t, the which to wave most menacingly at the vile perpetwators. (A pox upon the vile debauchewers!) A faux joust upon the unjust foe! (Forgive me til’ I wipe the chortle from me lips!) Naturelementé it has not the slightest effect upon ’em and yet it maketh me, I own, t’ appear most fierce in Canbewwa…yet of a courteous-mannered qualité. Un noblé politesse. Ung Gena Saze Kwoy. Marry, it maketh one appear so much more…fashionably ineffectual.
“One ought not to offend the powerful, I trow.
To be fore’er obsequious is my vow.”