Media Values
Understanding Australian Media
Australia is owned by a mate called Ruby Murdocraci.
Kerry (“the Shelf”) Stacker used to own some of it too but he gave it away to Jimbo in return for a big barbie at the Opera House and Jimbo gave it away to buy some more pokies and sling a few bucks to help pay for Hunt the Coward’s party.
Ruby used to own most of the fake news and because he’s a best mate we decided to flick him the rest. We were worried that the cocky farmers would get a bit pissed off about that, but Ruby explained that they were terrorist paedophile commie greenie hippies who vote for Rob Kattle and, like a bunch of fairies, mightn’t always agree with killing innocent civilians in other countries. So and that’s all right then.
Ruby doesn’t like competition. Or people who disagree with him. Or don’t do what he says. So he hates the Australian Broadcasting Competition because it steals audience from him who might believe the bullshit he peddles in his Fakes News Network, and he’s furious the government (which, after all, he owns) won’t shut it down.
Anyway all the best people work for Ruby. And here are a few bits of how they explain it all to us:
The Program
interviews Moe Vimes
Secretary of the DSS
The Program: Mr Vimes, Thanks for coming in. Firstly, what does DSS stand for?
Moe Vimes: Defence Security Squadron, but some people joke that it means Department for Scaring people Shitless.
TP: The PM is big on mateship.
MV: That’s right. That’s what we are charged with defending.
TP: What’s mateship?
MV: It’s one of Australia’s strongest values, it really defines Australia. Mateship means you don’t dob in your mates.
TP: Then why did Australia dob in the Bali Nine?
MV: Well, you know, there are thousands of young Australian kids who are alive right now.
TP: And so explain to me; Australian kids were murdered because we dobbed them in?
MV: But there are thousands of Australian kids alive right now.
TP: Yes but the Indonesians condemned Australian kids to die in front of a firing squad. Don’t you think that’s barbaric?
MV: Indonesia is very strong on drugs – they don’t want their Indonesian kids dying from drugs and there are thousands of Indonesian kids alive right now.
TP: But they were taking the drugs away from Indonesia, taking them away from Indonesian kids.
MV: Yes but there are thousands of Australian kids alive right now.
TP: We dobbed them in our mates – supposedly they were mates because they presumably didn’t want our jobs – knowing they could face the death penalty and knowing Australia doesn’t support the death penalty.
MV: Well, yes, but some people are a bit how’s-your-father about the death penalty for the Bali bombers – some people don’t sort of un-support it.
TP: But what was to stop us working with the Indonesians to catch the Bali Nine when they returned to Australia. Fewer drugs in Indonesia, and the perpetrators are still brought to justice – Australian justice. Australian jails. No death penalties?
MV: We have to work with the Indonesians.
TP: That would still have been working with the Indonesians.
MV: But there are thousands of Australian kids alive right now.
TP: Except, soon enough there were a few less. And those thousands of Australian kids would still be alive if you’d waited to catch them here.
MV: But there are thousands of Australian kids alive right now.
TP: And a few less now, counting the ones you dobbed in.
MV: We have to work with the Indonesians.
TP: Moe, did you ever feel like a bit of a stooge?
MV: No. I just did whatever the Prime Minister told me to..
TP: Thanks for your time …
In Conversation
with Barrymore Knutson Boltz* and Pia Zuckerberg
Gluttony: What is your position on the press in Australia?
Pia Zuckerberg: Look, I do so wish the peasants would desist from disagweeing with its betters. It’s so flagwantly utterly absurdly wwong. What they print is so contwawy to my opinion I wonder why they even bother bweathing. I mean, do they even wealise there’s a diffwence between the awistocwacy and the elite?
Barrymore Boltz: Pass the muffins, pass the truffles, pass the chitlins, pass the crême bruléé.
PZ: Someone fwom the servant classes who thwough their own work and the sacwifices of their family went to university, that’s an “elitist”. Someone born to wealth and power who doesn’t need to go to university, that’s a “stockbwoker”. Or a “Liberal politician”. An awistocwat.
BB: Pass the oysters, pass the turkey, pass the Grange, pass the gâteau.
G: One would have thought that you were the elite.
PZ: The elite is the jumped up peasantwy twying to claw their way to the top over those chosen by god to wule the “beast”; scwambling up the ladder with their “ideas”! You know, the upper cwust don’t need “ideas”. They just “know”. For the awistocwacy wuling is in our blood.
G: And the republic?
PZ: The pwoles can’t possibly gwasp that the weason Austwawia isn‘t a wepublic is because ditching the Queen would be like kicking your Mum off her own dunny in the middle of the night without her ugh boots.
BB: Pass the Beaujolais, pass the caviar, pass the suckling pig, pass the brie, pass the Bollinger. Pass the baby’s heart, pass the grapes.
G: If someone from the upper classes makes a ridiculous, impractical and outlandish statement what is that called?
PZ: “Liberwal Partay Polisay”.
BB: Pass the black sausage, pass the chitlins, more crême bruléé.
G: If someone from the working class makes a logical rebuttal of ruling class myths, what is that called?
PZ: “Bwaaaying”. The “bwaaaaying of the maaaaasses”.
BB: Pass the Château Barréjat, pass the crepe suzette, pass the joint, pass the pheasant, pass the lobster.
G: The chattering classes complain about all those Iraqis who died.
PZ: They should have stayed at home.
BB: Pass the scampi, pass the escargot, pass the Rochefort, pass the frogslegs.
G: To be fair, they were at home.
PZ: Then they should have ducked.
BB: Pass the hogshead, pass the lark’s tongue, pass the marinated baby’s nipples…
G: What should we do about the poor and the hungry?
PZ: If the pwoletariat is so hungwy why don’t they wring for dinner? But no, of course they won’t lift a finger to help themselves. It’s so typical of the underclass!
BB: Pass the bucket.
*Barrymore Boltz’s forebear, Henry (“Hairless”) Boltz, responding to criticisms that the Victorian National Gallery looked like Pentridge prison (where Australia’s last judicial murder was carried out), said, “I don’t think it looks like Pentridge at all. They can’t have windows because they need the hanging space.” Bosie, as Barrymore is known to his friend, is a tireless campaigner for the reintroduction of the death penalty for serious crimes such as being poor, voting for the ALP, and disagreeing with his opinions.