To: Mr Bob Correll,
Deputy Secretary
Department of Immigration and Censorship

Dear Bob,

Bob, you aren’t replying to any of my messages. Is everything all right? I thought we had something really special for a while.

Bob, you wrote to me earlier this year, explaining to me all about “Australia’s reputation overseas”, of which you were clearly most protective. You talked about “the important business managed by the Department, including the processing of visa applications”.

But now, Bob, this shocking news; I’m having trouble working out how it all fits with what you have said.

Bob apparently, according to the scurrilous Mainstream Media , in 1999 your department detained a certain Tony Tran in a breach of the necessary procedure which requires your department to notify a person that their bridging visa has been cancelled, before, in fact, locking them up.

Now, I know that you are the go-to guy about visas and their clever use as a tool of government policy, so I know that you will have been appalled — appalled !— at this oversight when you found out about it. And you will have been terribly upset that the said Tony Tran was bashed by another inmate while enduring his five years of illegal detention at the hands of your important department.

Of course, we can all understand that your department can’t be held to blame – or to account – for Tran’s broken marriage, or his separation from his baby son for … how long? Just because Tran says,

“I never got to say goodbye and I never got to kiss my son”,

I mean, we need a sense of perspective, don’t we?

After all, your department has lots of really “important business” to manage which takes precedence over the human concerns of mere “people”; important business such as making stirring speeches at expensively-catered conferences for the high-flying and influential; speeches with impressive titles like 

‘Managing our shared future: the use of the visa as a whole-of-government policy tool’[!], or

‘Enhancing ethics and governance while transforming the business[!]’.

“The business”, Bob?

It’s “a business“?

Does the Department consider what it does to unfortunate, desperate refugees as “giving them the business”, perhaps?

Ah, yes. Now we remember!

It was you yourself who was able to turn unemployment into just such a “business“.

A business is not about people, is it.

It’s about “Outcomes” and “”, “Deliverables” and perhaps your favourite, “Compliance”.

A business has the wonderful ability to remove those pesky “human beings” from the equation almost entirely.

Well done!

No wonder John Howard and Kevo Andrews love you!

Bob, I understand now what you meant about ‘the important business managed by the Department’.

And, look, I know it may not look so generous in hindsight, that thing about changing Tony’s baby’s name to a more Korean-sounding one so he could be deported to Korea. It might look somewhat … I don’t know … callous? … cruel and heartless? … unbelievably inhumane? … to some.

But I’m sure that in some way which, in our ignorance, mere people like myself can’t grasp, “Australia’s reputation overseas” has been immeasurably enhanced by this episode.

By the way, I have discovered your website. I like its design very much and would really like one just like it for my very own one day.

Anyway, I came across a page called “Success Stories of Australian Migration”. And I searched and searched but I couldn’t find anything there about Tony Tran! Nor could I discover anything about Vivian Solon or Cornelia Rau, or about Robert Jovocic.

Nothing at all.

Odd, I thought, when they were all examples of success stories of your Department’s important business.

On a personal note, Bob, I just noticed you have five kids! Geez, mate, bit of a stud, eh! Eh? How do you fit them all in the Volvo?

Just, you know, Bob mate, keep your eye on them. Please. You wouldn’t want them being renamed and packed off to some strange country before you’ve had a chance to kiss them goodbye. Would you?

P.S. How’s the job-hunting going? You’ve only got a couple of weeks.

… Oh, Bob, I’ve just been informed that Tran’s case was only one of more than 200 others in which the Ombudsman has determined people have been unlawfully detained, just like Tony Tran. That really is some success story for your department and its important work.

Don’t you agree all these cases really ought to be shown on your beaut website? It seems you might be required to front a Royal Commission if Labor succeeds in a few days. That would be exciting for you, wouldn’t it!