“ Why, stap me, sir! Thou’rt the vewy scoundwel of a knave! And if thou continuest in thy wecalcitwance, why, I might .. I might … flick thee with my perfumed kerchief! Or at the vewy least I shall mightily consider doing so! So there! What sayest thou to that?”

 

– “Get fucked ya mincin’ pansy!”

 

“Ooooh! Thou’rt so stwong and naughty a wogue! Therefore, suh, pwepare thyself for our most fiercest wesponse! We shall gather about our person others of like mind and we shall ALL vewy sewiously consider glowering at thee in the most focused way, wiggling our eyebwows and waving our perfumed kerchiefs at thee in unison! What sayst thou to that, sir?”

 

– “Bugger off, will ya? I’ve got a fuckin’ country to despoil and a still-born democracy to rape.”

 

“Vewy well, suh. Thou sadly leav’st me no alternative but to deploy my most fearsome weaponwy.
Shouldst thou persist in thy vicissitudes I shall not like thee any more and I shall … I shall … I shall … IGNORE THEE.”

 

Yes, sadly, foreign ministers and presidents the world over are collectively shaking their scented ruffles at the insane Burmese generals – or are forming a committee to discuss considering doing so.

There has been a veritable chorus of condemning, regretting, dismay-expressing, ambassadorial calling-in, message-sending, and outrage-huffing, done with all the dramatic impact of the flourish of an embroidered hanky.

It is, of course, a white hanky. On a stick.

Australia’s Foreign Minister, Lord Fopplington-Smythe Stephen Smith, waved his hanky in the sternest possible tones.

Mr Smith said Australia would maintain sanctions against the military Junta.

“Australia will now consult closely with the international community, including the United Nations and Australia’s ASEAN partners, on the need to put even more pressure on the Burmese regime to move down the path of democracy,” he said.

“Australia maintains financial sanctions against the Burmese regime.

Do you understand how grateful you ought to be for the Burma-facing glowering of the Australian Government? Do you have any idea of the powerful effect these sanctions have already had?

No.

Neither do we.

The glowering and hanky-waving is all done at a safe distance and harmlessly enough that no boat is rocked, no blow actually landed. Only the perfume of our sophistication wafts gently up the nostrils of the madmen of Myanmar.

This pissweak, stylised footstamping by international dandies playing an archaic game by pre-Enlightenment rules makes us – and, we think, most people – sick to the stomach. It is a betrayal of who we are and of the values that make us Australian. It is a betrayal of our responsibilities as citizens of the world.

But wait!

The Government will now move to update these [sanctions] and keep them focused for maximum impact.”

Oh, gosh! Updated sanctions! Focused sanctions! He is going to purse his lips even more tightly as he blows air in their direction! What a difference this will surely make! What do you get when you multiply an impact of ‘0’ by 100? That boy in the back? Fopplington-Smythe? That’s correct! ‘0’!

All of this pompadoured, powdered, pantalooned, silk-stockinged posturing has had exactly no effect whatever. More of the same will gain even more of the same: nothing. The Burmese generals always do what they always intended with impunity because they know that all the reaction they ever get is a waft of poudre kicked up by the phony outrage of a softly stamping, buckled shoe.