There’s a Lotta Love in This Place

US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s little girl, Alexandra Pelosi, has made a doco, Friends of God, starring Crystal Methodist, Pastor Ted Haggard, about evangelical christians. And quite an eye-opener it is.

And quite disturbing.

We assume that Pastor Ted will one day release the companion film, Friends of Dorothy.

It’s ironic that the doco was shot when Ted Haggard was still pretending to be straight, before he was outed by a gay ex-prostitute and resigned in disgrace, and before he converted back to Super-Heterodom by the grace of god in a world-record three weeks.

It’s disturbing because Pastor Ted involves his two evangelical friends in some jockstrapping competitive locker-room “dick-measuring” which shamelessly implicates their absent, compromised, objectivised wives. (They did not discuss the advantages of Crystal Meth.)

Values Australia, in any case, was intrigued by the purported heightened libido of those whom the ghostly fire has touched. We had assumed that most evangelical bedroom gymnastics would be confined to the missionary position. So we went in search of the alleged polling. After all, Ted says, “ALL the polls say…” We didn’t find one such poll.

But we did find some interesting material. Like this suggested bisexual threesome:

“Learn How To Please God and Your Wife From A Chirstian [sic] View Point!” shrieks sexually-skilled husband.com (now for sale).

“Discover How Christian Married Couples Have Exciting Sex“ offers christian-sex.net (no longer active)

We liked:

“Steamy Christian Sex: Have Passionate Sex In Marriage – Techniques and Advice That Work!” promised by SteamyChristianSex.com (defunct)

We checked out:

Jamaica Gleaner News – Porn in the pews – Churchmen wrestle with …
…Male church members surfing for sexy pics, survey reveals one-in-five churchmen …

“Churchmen wrestle with” …what? Their members? We had the unsavoury vision of male members searching for internet lolitas in their one-eyed way, and were intrigued by Jollyblogger’s:

The Purpose Driven Sex Life, Part 1

Perhaps Part 2 is “The Orgasm Driven Sex Life” and Part 3 “The Chauffeur Driven Sex Life” starring Hugh Grant.

There was the raunchy (and somehow appropriate for Pastor Ted):

In and Out of the Corporate Closet – Whitepapers – Publications …”Why do I need to know about someone’s sex life?” …
Between one and ten percent of the … Among Evangelical Christians, 60% are in favor while 34% are not. …

and the grossly suggestive:

Fuller Online 2005-2006 Catalogue

And then there was this:

Christian Sex Toys
Discreetly to Your Door-Private
Porn Free-Lingerie-Toys-online shop
mybelovedsgarden.net (in full bloom)

So we had to look.

The homepage promises to provide

“a safe, non-pornographic place to shop, For all your Christian Sex toys and Romance needs, While keeping Christ at the center of your marriage.”

We have to report that we found the assorted Vibrating Bullets, Massage Vibes, Glass Phalluses, G-Spot Vibes, Erection Control and Enhancement devices, Hands Free Clitoral Stimulators and Anal Stimulators very christian and inoffensively plain-brown-wrapperly, although, while they are promoted as specifically christian sex toys, we did not notice a crucifix engraved or embossed on, or attached to any of the vibrators or other devices.

The lingerie was hot and swinging but the photos – of what we assume are the choir girls from the local temple – had been sensitively retouched so as not to arouse.

But there was just one problem. We looked and looked and, for the longest time, could not work out what was upsetting us about the pictures until we saw – or rather didn’t see – it.

None of the models has a belly-button! Is this for biblical eve-ish accuracy? we wondered. or are evangelicals more aroused by the navel than the unsaved?

And then we noticed that one of the girls appeared to have soiled herself. That’s when we understood that for evangelicals, the biggest turn-on is indeed the navel and the biggest turn-off is a pooey bottom.

Safe from pornographic lust as promised!

Ah, we’ve come a long way from Augustine and John Calvin!

Thank you, Pastor Ted!