Historical Values

Understanding Australian History

Australian History began in 1770 when Captain James Cook (sometimes known as “the Naked Captain” or “Jamie Cook”) first invented Australia.

Now, we don’t mean that Janzoon, Dirk Hartog and Dampier and others had not landed here hundreds of years earlier, or that certain Asian traders had not come down from islands in the Indonesian archipelago thousands of years before. We mean that a real person, by which of course is meant an Englishman, first came here in 1770 and claimed the country for the King.

Australia was claimed under the law of Terra Nulla Nulla. This meant that there was no-one living here legally in 1770 and anyway they didn’t count. They just didn’t fit in. They wore strange clothes (or none at all!) and they spoke a strange gibberish and Australians have never really liked that sort of thing.

As a result, the illegal immigrants who tried to pre-emptively steal our country about 65,000 years earlier – and who have since been suspected of terra-ism – were placed in indefinite detention.

The first detention facility which was built was called La Perouse and it has always been used almost exclusively for the incarceration of savages. This has been done for your protection and to protect them from themselves. Otherwise, next thing you know they’ll claim they own your house and your backyard and the park down the road and the shops and they’ll claim they were here first for goodness’ sake!

The King always claimed that the aboriginal people were hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction like boomerangs and nulla nullas and witchetty grubs and because it was the King we tugged our forlocks and said yes your majestic colonial majesty. For a long time we searched for a cache of something frankly more, destructive but the jury was still out for about 150 years, but eventually we overheard them talking about their Woomeras . So we went there. Over time we managed to dig up their huge hidden caches of Uranium and sold it to people we could trust, like the French, the Chinese, the Pakistanis and the Indians. In the meantime we got the English to come here and bomb their lands. Just to show them who was boss and make damn sure they couldn’t go there for a couple of hundred thousand years.

More sober and unbiased historians have carefully sifted the evidence and have concluded that the claims of massacres and harsh treatment are myths propounded by bleeding hearts. One such fair-minded academic is Irving Candicocque, who has written a number of scholarly treatises which lay out the true facts.

His works include:

• Denying the Obvious: Our Grandfathers Could Never Of Did Nuffink So Nasty Like What They Say
• Losing Our Homework: Why the British Never Done it, and Anyway Who Can Blame Them?
• Voltaire and Me: Everything for the Best in the Best of All Possible White Men’s Worlds
• The Aboriginal Protection Boards: They Never Stole No Kids and Anyway it Was for Their Own Good.
• The Great Big Massacre Hoax: They Wasn’t Killed; They Just Run Off and Never Come Back

Candicocque’s novels are edited by Dr Sharigold Lewis and published by Pangloss, a subsidiary of Sextant.

Australia’s First Prime Minister

Grace T. Cosey

Australia’s first Priminster was Grace T. Cosey, a grazier from Western Victoria. In those days the countryside was covered in boring trees that were just asking to be turned into rolling English hills. Cosey spent most of his youth and childbearing years cutting down trees and jumping the stumps. He became so good at this that he became a legend around the stumps and invented cricket.

His first patriotic deed was to cream the Poms at Cricket. He told the Poms they were coming to a tea party with cream and scones but all they got was the creaming and hit on the scone by a fast one from Lily.

Lily (née Lilian Thomson) was Grace’s wife. She had became very good at cricket because Grace had taught her to play with balls since they began courting.

Lily was the reason cricket has a law against chucking. Lily, being a girl, couldn’t throw and because he made up the game Cosey could make up any rule he liked, like that only girlies could be bowlers, so he always won.

Anyway, one day he bet he would win a match. Unfortunately he lost his trousers on the bet. So the guys said either you take off your pants or run the country. So began the tradition of Priministers losing their pants. So he did and he did very well. It was a very relaxed and comfortable country and that’s where the phrase comes from: “The Cosey Country.”

Groveller General

Australia’s first Groveller General was Lord Water Cunntiham, Viscount of the Sink, Sinker of the Port, Earl of the Queen’s Garter and Lord Keeper of the Royal Arrogance.

It was Lord Water Cunntiham who set the tax collectors upon the recalcitrant minors of the Kalgoorlie goldfields in Bendigo and retrieved the bullion which was owing and sent it back to the King.

However, this action caused fury amongst ordinary Australian battlers and spawned the birth of Australia’s proud tradition of a healthy disrespect for authority. This tradition can still be observed today in such contemporary examples as … [please send examples if you can think of:any]