Border Security

Values Australia: Minister – thank you fo…

Desiree Potato: Emperor. I prefer “Emperor”. Or “Your Imperial Majesty“.

VA: Ahem. Emperor, Thank you for coming in. Er… Emperor, where is Australia?

DP: That depends. How are you planning to get here?

VA: By air.

DP: Well, that’s easy. It’s just down there in the bottom right hand corner.

VA: What if I came to Australia by sea?

DP: You can’t. You simply can’t do that.

VA: Why not, Majesty?

DP: “Your Imperial Majesty!”

VA: Why can’t I come to Australia by sea…er…Your Imperial Majesty?

DP: Because it’s not there.

VA: But you said just now it’s right there, down in the bottom right hand corner.

DP: If you come by air.

VA: I don’t understand.

DP: Look, it’s really quite simple. If you come by sea there’s absolutely no Australia. It doesn’t exist. It was disappeared by John Hunt the Coward, and The Salesman.

VA: But how can that be?

DP: You’ve heard of the Bermuda Triangle?

VA: Of course.

DP: Well we’ve got the Exclusion Zone, just sort covering all of Australia.

VA: Bermuda Triangle? Exclusion Zone?

DP: Yes, absolutely! All sorts of things have disappeared there. The Labor Party. The Au Pair Scandal. The Sports Rorts Scandal. The Water Scandal, The Child Care Scandal, The Cash Outrage, the Forgery Brouhaha.
Bill Shorten.

VA: Really? Like a Klingon Cloaking Device.

DP: Shhhh!

VA: So what actually happens if I try to get to Australia by sea?

DP: It’s really quite amazing! Quite spooky! It turns out no matter what direction you sail you end up at Nauru.

VA: Is that part of Australia?

DP: Not at all. Nauru’s just a huge pile of birdshit floating round in the ocean. We just sling them a few quid now and then to pretend they’re part of Australia. It’s a fortune to them. They’re pathetically grateful. Although in a sense Nauru is part of Australia. Most of it was dug up and spread all over Australian farms anyway. There’s almost nothing left. They’ve dug up so much of it, if it wasn’t for the walls of the detention centre, the whole shitpile would be under water.

VA: Who needs global warming? Ha ha!

DP: (silence)

VA: Emperor?

DP: (Pause) We don’t do global warming. That’s also been consigned to the Exclusion Zone.

VA: So do you let anyone in at all?

DP: Skilled migrants.

VA: Skilled migrants?

DP: What we want is people who are skilled at fruit picking and toilet cleaning and don’t expect to get paid as much as a white man. It’s a fortune to them. They’re pathetically grateful. Oh, and pretty young au pairs who promise to pretend not to work for our mates, they’re okay.

VA: They’re okay?

DP: Mateship’s all about favours for your mates, specially the rich and influential ones.

VA: So letting in the fruitpickers and toilet cleaners, isn’t that a classic “wages race to the bottom?”

DP: Look, don’t be ridiculous. It’s simply an economically responsible policy to pay as little as possible for essential services so that fair dinkum Australians can maintain the lifestyle they expect without being reduced to actual work.

VA: So, just to summarise, you seal our borders by not having any? By disappearing them?

DP: Exactly. But we’re also proactive. We’re willing to go anywhere in the world to seal our borders and discourage people from coming here. We had a diplomatic mission to Iraq.

VA: You mean the Australian Wheat Board?

DP: La la la la. I can’t hear you. I can’t recall. I have no recollection. I’ve gone a bit deaf in that ear. War wound. It never happened. I wasn’t there. I can’t read. The department head didn’t tell me. I had my back to the room. La la la.

(Pause) Did you say something?

VA: As you say, there was a war going on in Iraq. How could you have a diplomatic mission?

DP: Well, we sent our peacekeepers over there to negotiate with the Iraqis not to come here.

VA: With guns.

DP: Very effective negotiation tactic.

VA: So in a sense your mission is sealing our borders in the Middle East.

DP: Exactly. Eventually the whole of the rest of the world will disappear. Except for Nauru.

VA: Are our soldiers good enough?

DP: Listen, buddy! Australians are the best bloody soldiers in the world. Our soldiers have a proud reputation for their cultural sensitivity and their ability to relate to weird people in strange clothes. And I’ve even heard they sometimes give them gifts, like radios. Just after they shoot them. Something for their families to play with, you know, to relieve the grief. They’re pathetically grateful.

VA: Your Imperial Majestic Highness, thank you.

DP: Always a pleasure.