Australian Religious Values
Understanding Australian Religions
Australians are a very spiritual people deep down and they attend their temples on a weekly basis.
Their religion is based on nature and their temples are open to the sky and to the seasons which dictate the forms of their rituals. During the summer warmth they worship a small insect called the Critic.
There are four sacred rites: the Text Critic, the Shuffled Shiela, the Juan Dais, and the Teat Wendy.
The longer rites such as Text Critic may last many days unless English worshippers are present. The priesthood wear white and the rituals revolve around a red lozenge.
For the shorter evening services such as the Juan Dais and the Teat Wendy, a white lozenge is preferred and the priests are attired in garb of vibrant hues.
When the days become short and the weather cool the rituals become more fierce and the acolytes run with the Greater Lozenge (carrying the marks of St Cheryl, St Steven, or the Mightier One) from one end of the temple to the other for no apparent reason except that when they have run one way it is meet and right to dash back from whence they came, knocking one another down, and leaping wildly in the air. Disciples of the god of the Mightier Lozenge may in euphoria collapse weeping to the ground holding their ankles as if they had been knocked down by a demon although none is visible, and they scream “FREE KICK! FREE KICK!”. When asked, the priesthood explain merely, “It is a mystery. For when the Rev or the Yump maketh a call which doth enrage the masses then must thou have faith or thou shalt see the vision of the Red Card.”
It is written that in the fullness of time both the Dockers and the Tigers will triumph as one but that day is beyond imagining. And that day shall be the end of days.
After the Sacrament of the Lozenge is completed for the day, or should the heavens portend a great deluge, many adherents make sacrifice to the spirits of their religion by entering into trance for hours, seated before one of many hundreds of small metallic altars while constantly offering glittering silver tokens into these beings which show their gratitude for these gifts by spinning their eyes wildly and in the fullness of time emitting tinkling noises from their mouths. This excites the worshippers. While performing their sacrifice these adherents also partake of magical libations which draw them unto an altered state, often causing them to stagger and fall to the ground in ecstasy, uttering the ritual holy words:
“Yeah no, no worries, mate, I’m okay to drive.
Pish off.”
Many Australians hedge their bets on which religion is the one true religion by also adhering to the Cult of the Plonk-and-Wafer which is a subsidiary of the world’s largest professional paedophile ring. It is a religion of peace, and of the love of God and of one’s neighbour (particularly your young neighbour and “don’t tell your mother or you will go to hell”. Evangelists and missionaries have since antiquity propounded these ideals through the enthusiastic slaughter of many millions of unbelievers who have denied this god and resiled from accepting into their hearts the missionaries’ merciful God and His message of love and peace.
We spoke to Pastor Norman Utzoff:
Values Australia: What is Australia’s position on religion?
Norman Utzoff: On our knees …
VA: No, I don’t mean the Monica Supplication. Or the Archbishoprick. What’s our stance?
NU: On our knees …
VA: Please … I mean what is our opinion?
NU: Oh! We respect and tolerate all religions, both Anglican and Catholic.
VA: What about The Church of the Sound of Music?
NU:: Hillsaralive? Well, that’s not really a religion; it’s more of a photo opportunity for ambitious politicians.
VA: Don’t they speak in tongues?
NU:: Well, you know, I think we can tolerate a wide range of English dialects at a stretch. Even Yorkshire.
VA: What about other religions?
NU:: You mean the Sand People and the Jostick Burners? I mean, you know, we tolerate them. This is a Christian country and we preach tolerance. You can believe what you like as long as you agree that we’re right. Those wackos don’t do that. Why can’t they tolerate us like we tolerate them? They need to be taught some basic Christian values. And if they can’t realise that our god can kick their god’s arse any time then we need to whack the wackos, you know? Bring it on!
VA: Thanks.
NU:: Trump is Lord.
VA: Donnidumus Dominus Est.
NU: Amen.
VA: Hallelujah!
The One True Religion
What almost all religions have in common is that at some or all times in their histories they have slaughtered innocents in the name of love. In fact, Australia was recently engaged for decades – along with the USA and the Benighted Kingdom – in bringing an understanding of the Christian god’s message of love and peace to the peoples of Iraq and Afghanistan. The resulting slaughter and chaos is an icon, a monument, and a memorial to the success of the trinity of exuberant evangelists Bush, Blair and Hunt the Coward.
Those who are searching for their own religion (which is the only true religion, just like all the others), are troubled by the absolute certainty with which everyone else seems to hold their own beliefs.
In the words of the famous Cambridge beach-bum who introduced surfing to Australia, Sir Hermann Bondi:
Since at most one faith can be true, it follows that human beings are extremely liable to believe firmly and honestly in something untrue in the field of revealed religion.
One would have expected this obvious fact to lead to some humility, to some thought that however deep one’s faith, one may conceivably be mistaken.
Nothing is further from the believer, any believer, than this elementary humility. All in his power…must have his faith rammed down their throats.
In many cases children are indeed indoctrinated with the disgraceful thought that they belong to the one group with superior knowledge who alone have a private wire to the office of the Almighty, all others being less fortunate than they themselves.”
The Flying Spaghetti Monster
The Real One and Only Actually True Religion
Pastafarianism, or The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is the fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion in Australia and indeed the world. Millions have been touched by His noodley appendage.
“The only dogma allowed in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of dogma.”
The Flying Spaghetti Monster, invisible and undetectable, created the universe after drinking heavily. His intoxication was the cause of a flawed Earth. Moves are afoot worldwide to have the creation story taught in Science and religious classes throughout the world.
Roger, Lord Migently is a bona fide and duly ordained Pasta of the church. He religiously celebrates the Pastaover and Ramendan.
And now in the name of the Farter and of the Bum and of the Sunday Roast, be all horror and gory, world without them! R’amen!
