Australian English Values

Speaking Australian English

• Australian Names
• The Australian Accent
• Australian Dictionary
• Sealed Section

Speakin  Inglish

You have to speak English if you want to come here because we can’t understand your gibberish and if we can’t understand what you’re saying about us we get scared. We can’t understand your plotting and conniving and your vile schemes, especially if you sound Middle Eastern. Or American. So if you’re Canadian, be sure to let us know as soon as you can.

Australia is not only a sporting country. It is also a poetic country. This is why when two teams compete against each other we call it “versing”. There is a parallel competition to write the most evocative description of the game.

For example, here is a pome from the famous verser, Albert Park:

There once was a team from South Yarra
Who wheeled on their blokes in a barrer
But our man took a mark,
Kicked it out of the park
And it landed somewhere in Toorak.

Other well-known poems include Ode to The NSW Rail System by the late Buzz Urviss:

There was movement at the station
Which was unusual in Sydney at peak hour.

and The Imam from Snowy River by Spud van Stone:

There was activity at the detention centre
For the info had circulated by internal email
That the terrorist with his mouth sewn up in protest,
And who was suffering from non-current nostalgia,
Had escaped with external assistance from
Proscribed anarcho-socialist-activist groups
And was being concealed in secret accommodation
In either Adelaide
Or somewhere else.
He had cost a hundred million dollars to lock up
And all the crack-bandits, cow punchers and freckle-punchers
Were eager to locate him
So as to remove him to Nauru
Where he could be shark bait
If he wanted to try and escape again.
(Ha ha!)

Anyway to cut a long story short
They caught him
And deported him
And after he got “home”
They discovered he was really
An Australian citizen
Except it was too late because
He had been tortured to death,
As he claimed would happen to him,
But they hadn’t believed him
Because he looked and sounded
A bit foreign.

As it turned out nobody
Claimed responsibility.
Not the Minister.
Nor the Head of Department.
Nor any of the underlings.
No-one knew anything about it at all.
Nobody could recall anything at all.
Not the Minister.
Nor the Head of Department.
Nor any of the underlings.
So they all decided it was really
All his own fault
For appearing to be foreign.
Which meant that everything had been done
Precisely (and smoothly)
According to
Government policy
And public service
Policies and Procedures.

(Nudge nudge wink wink.)
Say no more.

Australian Names

As soon as you get here you have to change your name.

If you give yourself an Australian-sounding name Australians won’t even notice you can’t speak the language. It’s the easiest and quickest way to fit in. Even consider changing your name before you apply for your visa. Call yourself Douglas and the immigration officials won’t even notice you’re Muslim. They’ll assume you are English and let you straight in.

For example, if your name is Wun Shu On you should change it to Wayne as soon as possible.

If you are Greek and your name is Phillip you should change it to Windsor without delay.

If your name is Burhan or Bayhas, Bruce will do you and you should arrange to change it shortly after landing.

In any case, Australians won’t use your ethnic name because it’s a bit, you know, woggish. And anyway they can’t pronounce it, and if you don’t do it for yourself they will give you one before you know it and it will probably be Mervin.

You must also give your children proper Australian names. Be careful though. You must give your children bogan names. You must be current. If you call your children names that were popular 50 years ago they simply won’t fit in at school.

Names not to call your boys:

John, William, James, Robert, Charles, George, Henry, Thomas, Edward, or David.

You can call your boys:

Tory, Ethan, Logan, Kyle, Aiden, Jayden, Josh, Tyler, Zack, Gage, Kai, Landon, Xander, or Troy.

Names not to call your girls:

Elizabeth, Mary, Margaret, Barbara, Patricia, Carol, Catherine, Julie, Jacqueline, or Jane.

You can call your girls:

Brody, Madison, Alyssa, Chloe, Hailey, Mia, Brook, Trinity, Riley, Jade, Leah, Ashlyn, or Brooklyn. 

How to do the Australian Accent

To speak like a fair dinkum Aussie, practise speaking with your mouth closed and without moving your lips or jaw. This stops the dunny budgies* getting into your mouth. To you it may sound like mumbling, but other fair dinkum* Aussies will understand you perfectly well.

If Aussies can see your mouth moving they will think you’re an arse-bandit*, a wanker*, a try-hard, or an intellectual. Probably all of these. All are deprecated in Australian culture.

Pig’s arse! Failed Liberal Party President

Pissed Intoxicated. What you did into your host’s fish tank when intoxicated.

Pissed to the eyeballs Intoxicated to the point of probably vomiting shortly and walking into the path of oncoming cars, and therefore both a highly amusing condition and cause for pride.

(Bring a) Plate (Arrive with) food, commonly sandwiches, slices, salads, nibblies. (Note to immigrants: Do not bring only a plate. The host has plenty of crockery.)

Plonk The sound your bum makes when you fall to the ground after half a glass.

Politician “an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man” (cummings).

Pommy shower Underarm deodorant

Pommy bastard Englishman who fails to even take a pommy shower before going about in public.

Port Bogan term for “suitcase”

Pot Bogan term for “middy”

Potato cake Bogan term for “scallop”

Prison Aboriginal housing solution

Raw prawn What you should not come with me

Root? Foreplay

            (also “Wanna root?” Extended foreplay)

Root rat Aussie sheila (optimistically)

Stastistics 10% more than “statistics”.

Seckertree (also Seckertairy) Female slave, office waitress

Seckiteers Bogan for “secateurs”

She’ll be right I hate you for putting me in this compromising position

Sony Werz “It is not significantly meaningful”  as in the GeeGees song, “Sony Werz, an werz a rall I godder tay kyar rarder way”

Speedos Budgie smugglers (Bogan equivalents: “cossies, bathers, swimmers, trunks”)

Tempest Ten Minutes after the hour (“It’s Tempest Four. I am fucking off home.”) 

The ABC The reason intelligent Australians can remain in Australia for extended periods.

The Arts in Australia  (insufficient current information)

Thongs Tuneth people thing about thandalth and dental floth

Too hard basket filing system for Aboriginal issues

True Blue White

Tub 1) Bath   2) Area of a Ute more than required  for carrying most necessaries (and dogs) and too small for carrying a tractor   3) also in a Ute the substitute for a backseat for fornicatiion   

 Ute Greatest Australian invention. Ever.

Verse compete against

YeahNo Used to indicate lack of conviction, inability to understand the question, paucity of knowledge on the matter, or to indicate the complexity of the issue