We welcome the geriatric German-Italian, ex-Nazi, confirmed bachelor to the ‘Great Southern Land of the Holy Spirit’. So important, we feel, to be told that we live in a great country. How we failed to appreciate that piece of news, god only knows. But, you know, we confess that we are so stupid, so spiritually and intellectually obtuse that we have to be told everything by a man who believes in talking snakes before we know it is true. So thank you for that, your wholly-ness.

Kissing it Better

His incense-emanating eminence was reported to have been stunned by the reports that one of his cardinals had been less than genuous in his treatment of claims of sexual assault made by some of his flock. His heavenliness had, after all, just put to bed, so to speak, at great cost in credibility and treasure, just such allegations in the USA.

We are lucky enough to have a photograph taken at precisely the time he was told of the latest Pell scandal.

The pope is rumored to be planning on this trip to make everything better. He is said to be intending to kiss the arses of the army of Australians who have been abused by his priests and to have ordered that the priests locate their victims, give them a big hug and kiss and make up.

Papal Indulgence

As everyone knows, Sydney is going to be Hell with the traffic restrictions in place for World Youth Delusion. In order to be able to park the PopeMobile, Bene has brought with him a special purifying scent and indulgence. Yes, it’s a specially-blessed card of St Otto, Patron Saint of Parking, which he will use to get him a park somewhere within half-a-day’s walk of St Mary’s, and an on-course spot at Randwick for, you know, the Big One.

However, with our exceptional network of contacts we have been able to arrange a Special Offer. Cut out this card and send us $100 and, as sure as Eve was made of Adam’s rib, your prayers for a decent park will be answered. (Conditions apply: you have to be catholic.)

In Other News

Vatican staff have secretly expressed concern at the probably gigantic phone bill the pope will rack up while in Sydney. “Calls to god aren’t free, you know,” moaned one insider.

The concerns stem from the pope’s recent visit to the USA when the Pope talked to god for hours about his excitement at visiting notable American venues. They feel that he will be just as effusive about Kenthurst and other equally wonderful Sydney landmarks.

The American episode was explained in this news story at the time:

Pope Stays Up All Night Telling God About Trip

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