Urgent? What a joke!

This morning Sir Roger explosively sprayed the breakfast linen with half-chewed soldiers, the boiled egg in which he’d been dunking them and the Dom he’d being trying to wash it all down with, before bursting into such loud and violent laughter that his butler was so alarmed that he stood behind Sir Roger’s chair to ensure the knight did not topple over backwards in his mirthful convulsions. Even the scullery maid timidly came to the doorway of the conservatory to reassure Cook that the cause of the commotion was not a deficiency of the food.

It was just after 7.40 am and Sir Roger had been listening to ABC Radio National Breakfast with Fran Kelly. (It was on this morning’s show that we learnt that Gillard and Rudd are not disagreeing with each other because they are not speaking to each other. So that’s cleared that up …)

Ms Kelly was interviewing Australia’s Defence Minister, Stephen Smith. Their conversation turned to the desperate situation in Libya and whether Libya should be declared a no-fly zone. Here is the part of the interview that had Sir Roger in fits of laughter and soldier’s body parts sprayed all over the linen:

What Urgent Really Means

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You can hear the whole interview on the ABC Radio National website here.

Stephen Smith gave a long explanation about why nothing at all was happening and who it was that was making sure nothing at all would happen until it was actually too late to do anything useful except mourn the dead and wish that the UN and all the other useless self-serving bodies could have acted a little more swiftly.

Defusing a bomb is only urgent until it goes off. Then it’s something else. Like a tragedy. That we can deal with really quickly. Politicians fall over each other in the scramble to be the first on the radio and tv to offer their condolences. Their “hearts go out”, for example, and their prayers, almost instantly and without seeking permission, agreement, or consensus.

But that is the international diplomatic process. While it’s still urgent it’s a scramble to be the last to decide, in the panicked rush away from the troublesome emergency. Don’t get involved for fear of … well, just for fear. Delay, delay, delay. Go through correct channels. Gain 100% agreement on everything. Because, you know, Libya is a sovereign country and we wouldn’t want to go … oh, wait on … The US, Britain and Australia invaded Iraq when there were only three war criminals people in the world who thought it was a really good idea. And now when everyone but about three people in the world think it is the right idea everyone gets cold feet.

Captain, we’ve lost three engines and the fourth engine is spluttering!

Yes, No.1. We probably should think of considering having a conference about what we ought to do in situations such as this.

No, sir, you don’t understand! We’re going to crash if we don’t do something! This is urgent!

Yes of course it is, No.1. But I’m not taking any unilateral action until we have agreement from every farmer within 100km of any potential crash zone that we may attempt a forced landing there. Okay?

No, Captain. It’s not okay! We should try to restart the engines at least. It says so in the Aircraft Operations Manual.

Of course, No.1. But I’ll not be attempting anything so radical until we have been able to raise the aircraft manufacturer to ensure that restarting will not damage the engines in any way.

But Sir you’ve done this a hundred times in the simulator!

Yes, No.1, I have. But this is not a simulation. People might die.

Sir, don’t you understand? People are certain to die if you do nothing!

Sorry, No.1. We must gain approval from our insurers to take any unusual action, to be certain it will not void our warranty. These aircraft are expensive you know! To act without authority may affect any insurance claim.

And by the way, get me my parachute, will you?

Before they can unfreeze and unparalyze themselves they are saying they need agreement from the UN, NATO, European Union, Arab League, African Union and Organisation of the Islamic Conference. Or as the papers are saying, “The UN Security Council is deadlocked over whether to vote [whether to even vote?] on a no-fly zone over Libya and anxiously waiting to see the results of key European Union, Arab League and African Union meetings to decide future action…”

So in politics “urgent” means an emergency that is best managed by waiting until it has blown over and then the proper demeanour is to sorrowfully bury the dead and beat one’s breast about how dastardly a dictator the ruthless perpetrator (still in power, of course) is in not allowing everyone – however remotely concerned – the time to come to a unanimous consensus on a way forward which might solve the problem.

It is so morally bankrupt an approach that Sir Roger was expecting to hear Stephen Smith stifle a guffaw and say, no, of course he was just having us all on. Early gift for April Fool’s Day.

And Australia is seeking a non-permanent seat on the Security Council. Why? So we can be at the very heart of prestigiously and gloriously doing nothing except some diplomat caressing his arse in deep leather and nodding sagely? Or nodding off.

Speaking of moral bankruptcy, it is good to have it now made clear to us what Australian Labor Party values really are. They are simple:

1. Who gives a fuck about the country, eh? Eh?

2. Whatever the problem and whatever is at stake you bloody well look after yer mates first, right?

3. If there’s anythink left, let the proles scavenge for the crumbs.

4. If you know what’s right – fucking ignore it, you flaming dickhead, unless there’s a fucking vote in it. Got that?

That’s it, really. And strangely enough those are the exact same values the Liberal Party and Cunt National Party espouse. So what’s the bloody argument about?

Yes, Burke has given: Tasmania to the woodchipping mates for the votes; and the Tarkine Wilderness to the mining mates for the votes (and because they’re the mates – or we want them to be); and the Murray to the … well, fuck the bloody Murray. It’s causing more trouble than it’s worth. Let it die. Fish and birds don’t vote and the bloody farmers couldn’t vote labour if their lives depended on it so stuff the bastards. Stuff them all.

Future generations will remember and revile the name of Tony Burke who will go down in infamy as yet another sleezy Australian politican who lacked the balls to do what was right when it still could be done.

My god, but isn’t Rudd looking like a decent alternative these days?

And my god, isn’t Peter Garrett looking like a completely useless arsewipe these days? Remember how he was going into politics in order to make the change from inside. He didn’t understand that in politics “the inside” is where they tear your nuts off from. Before they gut you of decency and ideals. Garrett absolutely needs to get out; spill the beans on what’s really going on and fight them from the stage again, because now he’s got real ammunition. And it’s urgent.

We say again, some people ought to be banned from becoming politicians and those people self-identify by expressing an interest in becoming politicians.