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No Porn Please, We’re Christians

 



 

Sir Roger, don’t ask how…all right it was through @Twitter…came across a publication called Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions for Christian Couples which claims that it contains images of sexual positions which are anything but pornographic.

Naturally Sir Roger’s interest was instantly piqued. All his prejudices and preconceptions about Christians and sex could be reinforced and justified. “We want to have sex but please let us deny that it is really sex, filthy and sinful SEX.”

And so he investigated his new goldmine. This was what the website for the book said:

We created the perfect sexual positions guide
for Christian couples…from scratch…

We researched hundreds of sexual position guides to find the most exciting, newest positions.

But, unlike most sexual positions guides, we did not duplicate similar positions to give the appearance of thousands of positions. We listed only those positions that were truly different and we included only those positions that we were physically (and morally) possible for the vast majority of our readers to accomplish.

And…there are still OVER 200 different positions included!

Then…we hired a Christian artist to render these positions in an artistically pleasing way…sketched in graphic pen.

Our primary request of this artist was that the illustrations in this guide be tasteful and non-pornographic…yet clearly demonstrate enough information to give you the chance to try the positions for yourself…

This is a guide that you will treasure as a valuable resource in your library for years to come.

It will provide you and your spouse with hundreds of nights of fun trying to replicate the positions you find in this guide.

But…you will never be embarrassed by feeling like you are viewing something pornographic. All images are tastefully done (and non-pornographic) like the following…

As you can see, the illustrations are artistic and tasteful…but anything but pornographic…finally!

And this was the artistic and tasteful and anything but pornographic christian-like image accompanying the sales copy:

And it is, isn’t it, don’t you think, ever so tasteful.

He’s clearly deep in prayer and she’s … well, perhaps she’s prostrating herself before the lord.

So Sir Roger wanted to know more. And he discovered that the image title was “brazililan_bedlock”.. Well! That’s a bit pornographic for a name of a sexual position for sensitive christian folk, don’t you think?

So Sir Roger searched “brazilian bedlock” on the Google and he found this:

 

Now, he wondered because, you know, he knew a thing or two.

So he put the Brazilian Bedlock into Photoshop and clicked filter gallery and graphic pen and look what came out!

 

Golly Gosh! Woops!

Their “Christian artist” who carefully, thoughtfully, sensitively and modestly rendered these positions in “an artistically pleasing way” actually grabbed a couple of (ahem) artistic images off the Swedish ‘sexochsant’ blog, batch-slapped them through Photoshop and voilà! Tasteful religious icons!

So Sir Roger is contrite regarding his prejudices and preconceptions and the Christians, disappointingly, are off the hook with this one – unless they’re actually buying the crappy book.

Nevertheless, you might understand that Sir Roger felt he was on a bit of a roll by this time, so he took one or two of the other photographs on the Sexochsant site and gave them the treatment.

The images are Safe For Christians (at least the participants are not smiling and don’t seem to be enjoying it at all) and it’s probably a safe bet that these images are in the book, too. But the titles? Holy Whoo! A bit saucy?

Here’s The Bike Pump, folks:

 

How about The Madame Butterfly?

 

And The Hitch:

 

And that’s Sir Roger’s Sunday Special for you. A few ideas for tonight?

Praise the Lord!

 



 

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Comments

Comment from Scarlet
Posted: 20 March, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Hopefully, those images were licensed from those who produced them or used with permission, though I fear this is an unapproved derivative work. It is a bit disappointing too that it seems to be sold as hand illustrations but are computer generated images.

However, the assertion that Christian couples should be deprived adequate sexual instruction simply because they do not wish to look at naked, sexual images of people other than their spouse just comes off as bigotry. Bare in mind also that these couples tend to be completely monogamous and thus do not have a network whereby sexual knowledge may be transmitted and that pairings tend to be for life, making this kind of manual more important to their relationships.

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