Shamelessly Stolen from the Values Australia Website

Australians believe in liberty so strongly that we are willing to go to the arsehole of the earth, or at least as far as Iraq (same thing, now) to convince others to adopt it, at the point of a gun if need be.

In fact, we have helped to deliver freedom to Iraq at the bargain price of only between 150,000 and 950,000 lives and two or three million refugees and internally displaced people. Some might think this is a high cost, but they forget that quality costs more.

Ben Dover and Philip Mapoussie (Interview)
We spoke to Ben Dover, Minister for Pacific Island Holidays, and Philip Mapoussie, Head of the Defence Security Squadron (DSS).

Values Australia: Explain to me again why we went to Iraq.

Philip Mapoussie: Well, after we ran out of the other reasons, like WMD and Al Qaeda running rampant there, we settled on the fact that Saddam was an evil tyrant…

Ben Dover: … who brutally oppressed his people.

PM: He terrified them, lied about what they did…

BD: …incarcerated them without trial or hope of release, and tortured them.

VA: Not like us?

PM: Not at all. It’s entarly different. We take terrified Iraqi refugees, lie about their intentions, incarcerate them without trial…

BD: …or hope of release…

PM: …or hope of release, and only approve of their torture by the US.

VA: Surely not?

BD: I mean, we couldn’t tell them to stop it. They’re the US! We couldn’t be unfriendly to our ally! They know best!

VA: Why do they torture innocent people?

BD: Just in case they might be terrorists.

VA: And why do we do all that stuff to Iraqi refugees?

BD: Just in case they might be terrorists.

VA: Seems harsh.

BD: Well, we just have to be strong and try to bear the misfortune of others.

PM: Anyway, it’s their own fault for trying to come here.

BD: In any case we compassionately arrange placements for them in special re-education camps on Pacific paradises like Christmas Island and Nauru. In fact we’re so compassionate we’re sending a new batch there right now.

PM: Forever.

VA: Just help me out here. You say you invaded Iraq because Saddam was a vile tyrant…

BD: …Oh, very vile!

PM: EXTREMELY vile!

VA: So why don’t you also invade other countries which are run by vile tyrants?

PM: Such as?

VA: Well, Burma, for instance. Myanmar.

BD: What did he say? I couldn’t hear him.

PM: We don’t do Burma…..

VA: Then what about Dafur? Zimbabwe?

PM: …..or Africa.

VA: I just want to pass a couple of criticisms by you and get your comments. Here’s the first one: Walter Lipmann said,

“There is no arguing with the pretenders to a divine knowledge and to a divine mission. They are possessed with the sin of pride, they have yielded to the perennial temptation.”

BD: Yes, I agree with that. The difference is that we’re not pretenders. We’re the real thing. God talks to our leader.

VA: John Howard?

BD: George Bush.

VA: Really? And this one? Walter Lipmann again:

The time has come to stop beating our heads against stone walls under the illusion that we have been appointed policeman to the human race.”

PM: No, that’s wrong.

VA: You disagree?

PM: Certainly. It’s not an illusion. We really are the policeman to the world. George said so. He gave John Howard a Silver Deputy Sheriff’s badge and everything. And look – here’s my DSS badge.

VA: Thanks.

PM and BD: “Dumus dominus est.”

VA: Hallelujah!

PM and BD: Halliburton!

[tags]Australian Values, Values Australia, Iraq, Nauru, Christmas Island, freedom of speech, Dafur, Burma, Zimbabwe, Sudan, Howard, Bush, Saddam, Hussein, democracy [/tags]