Tip-off from parents puts 16-year-old drug pawn in Cambodian hell-hole for 13 years. DSS proud of achievement.

Commander Moe Vimes of the Defence Security Squadron [DSS] and Senator Kerry Eliarson today released details of another success in the government’s latest strategy in the drug war. A young Australian was sent to jail for 13 years for attempting to smuggle drugs out of Cambodia.

Vimes explained, “We encourage parents to come to us with their worries and concerns about their wayward and troubled children. I promise that we will listen carefully and sympathetically. The worried parents can count on us for that. Of course we won’t actually do anything about the information at that stage.”

Eliarson added, “We never said anything to anyone about anything ever. And anyway, we have to work with the Cambodians. 

Vimes explained that as soon as this particular young and vulnerable person had arrived in Cambodia, the DSS didn’t alert the Cambodian authorities.

“But we never alerted no-one about nothing never,” added Eliarson.

When confronted with an email sent from his department to the Cambodian authorities concerning the young man, Eliarson responded, “Yes but no but yes but no but I can’t believe you just said that.”

Vimes added, “And there are heaps of Australian kiddies alive right now.”

Vimes and Elliarson were asked, “It seems to us, if you had stopped this young man going to Cambodia in the first place, those kiddies would still have been alive.

“Yes but if we did that we couldn’t get the Mr Bigs of the drug trade.”

“So you got one this time, then?” asked the journalist.

“No. We never do. But we get a lot of kiddies.”

Vimes was asked, “Mr Vimes, don’t you think that by exploiting the parents of young Australians – that is, exploiting their love for their children and their fear for their futures and wellbeing, like any loving parent - don’t you think you’re guilty of absolute bastardry, betrayal and a complete lack of any common decency or human compassion?”

“It should be fairly clear to everyone by now that I am not a human being” he said. “For one thing, human beings have feelings. I am a robot programmed to serve the Prime Minister. And the Indonesians. And sometimes the Cambodians.”

 ”He got 13 years,” mused Vimes, but a death verdict would have gained us so much more publicity. More funding for the Squadron, more kudos for me and the PM. More pats on the head from George Bush. But the Cambodians apparently don’t see the sense in it. They don’t seem to understand that there are thousands of Australian kiddies alive right now.