It’s the pointy end of the Australian Open Tennis Championships and since there is no cricket being played, just a series of boring massacres, most people’s sporting activity involves sitting down with a tinny in front of “the plasma” and critically examining the finer points of Maria Sharapova‘s breasts.

However, many fans have complained about Jim Courier‘s post-match interviews with Sharapova. They feel that he is not asking the hard questions or the real questions. He is, they say, dancing around the issues and it sounds devious, they say.

For example, in one interview Courier asked Maria about ‘what happened in Costa Rica’, about fashion, about her perfume and about what sort of men she liked.

These tennis fans want Jim to ask the real questions that are on the minds of everyone. He should ask the questions he means not the devious round-about ones.

They think the post Semi-Final interview should have gone like this:

COURIER: Maria, every male here and most of the females would like to have sex with you. What do you think of that?

SHARAPOVA: Well you know Jim, that wouldn’t leave me any time to practise and I’d probably be so exhausted I couldn’t play tennis. That’s what I’m here for, you know? I’m a professional tennis player.

COURIER: Yes, I know, but everyone is so attracted to you. I mean, you are so hot and so sexy! The reason people want you to keep winning is so they can keep looking at you.

SHARAPOVA: Of course I know that. That is why I can leverage my sex appeal to develop enterprises and sponsors beyond the tennis world. My perfume, for example. Do you have a perfume Jim?

COURIER: Um, no…

SHARAPOVA: Of course not. Because you’re not sexy.

COURIER: You are, though. Your tennis fashions are alluring and provocative. Would you even consider a mini-striptease for all the men and most of the women here today?

SHARAPOVA: I have to maintain the mystery, Jim. The money’s in the mystery.

COURIER: You did a Sports Illustrated swimsuit spread, though.

SHARAPOVA: Yes but that was different. There weren’t ten thousand people watching! It was very tasteful and demure…

COURIER: …although strangely suggestive of a promise of more…or rather, less…

SHARAPOVA: …so you’ll just have to buy the magazine.

COURIER: I did! Several! But, well, would you consider having sex with just one person here as a sort of representative of all of us? Say, um, oh, I don’t know…me for instance?

SHARAPOVA: I draw the line at redheads, Blue!

COURIER: How’s about a little kiss, then?

SHARAPOVA: Go away!

COURIER: Okay, I give in. Um, how did you think the match went?

SHARAPOVA: I won.

COURIER: Oh yeah, that’s right. So you’ll be playing again?

SHARAPOVA: Yes, of course. That’s what happens when you win a Semi.

COURIER: That’s good!…excellent…!

UPDATE: Word has it that the reason Maria lost the Final to Serena was because she couldn’t bear the thought of having to deal with such an interview. If that is true, we apologize. But then, at least she regained the World No.1 ranking, and $600,000 or so in prize money.

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