Tamworth Troubles Trumped,
Groveller-General Praises Inquisition, Torture

Tamworth, in the North of New South Wales, has lately had some unfortunate and very unfair publicity over its refusal to agree to a swarm of Sudanese refugees invading the town.

Local residents, Sheila Shutdown and Kelvin Thong explained their understandable concerns:

KELVIN THONG: Look to be perfectly frank, it’s how black they are. We couldn’t see them at night. We might run over them. (Make a note of that idea, will you, Sheila?)

SHEILA SHUTDOWN: And when they’re stealing from our homes we won’t even be able to see them in the dark to take proper aim.

KELVIN THONG: We just don’t know if Tamworth’s community services could possibly cope with being deluged by a flood of an additional four or five really very black families,

said Thong, greeting some of the 50,000 white visitors to the two weeks of the annual Country Music Awards.

SHEILA SHUTDOWN: I mean, maybe we could cope, but we still have reservations. In fact, they’re the unused reservations where we used to keep the Aboriginals on.

KELVIN THONG: They’ll steal our women and rape our children and infect our water supply with disease.

SHEILA SHUTDOWN: And on top of that, they don’t even like Country Music.

KELVIN THONG: They probably dont even know what it is!

Opinion polls of a Tamworth councillor, conducted by the councillor himself, found 100% support for refusing entry to the Sudanese refugees. Those polled agreed unanimously that the existing Sudanese refugees in the town “drive off without paying for petrol, everybody’s terrified of them (even the Aborigines and they’re black too), they ‘yabber away’, they stare, and they should just go back where they came from.”

Tamworth’s President and local pollster, Pussy Galore, is a member of the town’s ruling class – or, as the Galores like to style themselves, Die Regierungsklasse . Speaking from his presidential palace, Klanbrook at Nurembergha, a village on the outskirts of Tamworth, Galore explained:

We already have some of these black-skinned, black-hearted illegals in the town. They have been before the courts on numerous charges. Of the 12 Sudanese people who live in Tamworth, eight have been before the courts for everything from dangerous driving to rape.

Observers noted an uncanny similarity between Galore’s claim and a 2004 British editorial claiming that,

the papers have revelled this month in reporting on court cases against asylum seekers for everything from dangerous driving to rape.

Tamworth police, however, have denied any local Sudanese people have been charged over a matter of a sexual nature.

According to Acting Police Commander, Greig Stier

They are a very small representation, in the two years of research that I can give you, in relation to being involved with police. And the times they are involved with police are minor traffic matters, are the majority of those offences.

President Galore said that

They come from countries where there are outbreaks of TB and polio. How can we trust the department to screen those things?

Observers noted an uncanny similarity between Galore’s health scare and a claim by Galore’s party leader, Pauline Hanson, that federal parliamentary secretary for immigration, Andrew Robb, had admitted on television that the Government was letting in many “black South Africans” with health issues.

[He] indicated there was around about 37 per cent of black South Africans that were coming in with ongoing health issues … There’s increasing numbers of TB (tuberculosis) and they have picked up … it could be almost one third that actually carries TB.

“What we want is honest, law-abiding white people who understand the difference between white and wrong,” said President Galore, who was suspended from civic office for four months for failing to disclose a pecuniary interest.

“The last thing we want is black people in Australia. I mean, why start now? They cause trouble and spread disease,” said Galore, passing an Aboriginal man dying of syphilis, a disease introduced by English colonists. “If this is racist, well so be it. Call me a racist then.”

The queue extends from the Council offices in Peel Street, down to the Viaduct, back along Kable Avenue to the Peel River bridge and across to West Tamworth and is understood to be snaking its way out along the New England Highway towards the Really Big Ugly Stupid gold-glitter-painted Guitar. The participants are amusing themselves by attempting yet another boot-scootin world record, with a special step that it is hoped will be effective against the cane toads when they arrive.

“Listen,” Galore explained, “I’m not against refugees, but just ask the people at Cronulla if they want more refugees,” although a survey of the records of recent celebrations at Cronulla has failed to detect significant numbers of actual refugees among the revellers.

Meanwhile, sales of rifles are up, helped by the new warning billboard in the town. “What it means,” says Galore, “is that black folk had better not come here expecting the town to be generous enough to offer them a chance to rebuild lives shattered in horrific wars in their home countries.”

All of this, of course, was last week.

This week President Galore is a beacon of multiculturalism, humanity and understanding who wants more world peace than a Miss Universe Pageant.

It is understood the Department of Mateship and Fair Dinkum Values has offered money if the town accepts the refugees. As a result, the town is preparing to welcome the refugees if not with open arms, then with open palms.

Australia Day festivities during the Country Music Festival are now expected to include a number of special events of welcome, including a bonfire lit by performers in a historical pageant.
Galore is also believed to have invited Cronulla residents to hold their postponed annual Celebration of Cultural Understanding in the town.
Cultural Respect seminars are normally held yearly in December and January at Cronulla Beach, a famous sewer near Sydney.
“I think it’s the perfect opportunity to show the world that Tamworthians have a deep respect for a wide diversity of English-speaking cultures,” said Galore.

Galore insiders say he aims to move past this recent hiccup in his stewardship to concentrate on his campaign to ban poofters from the city. “Back in the good ole days of the 50s and 60s all the poofters were rounded up and hounded out of the village. Newsreaders, actors, anyone who showed a creative leanin’ – out they went! Tamworth was proud to be a town of farmers and mechanics. We don’t want no fairies whose knuckles hain’t never dragged on no gravel.”   

In other special Australia Day events:

The Groveller-General, Lord Water Cunntiham, will appear on a special video, to support, predictably enough, a group embroiled in court proceedings for alleged racial vilification. The group, the “World Church That Catches Fire”, worship an imaginary friend whom they believe is real.
 
The Groveller-General is expected to proclaim that Christianity has been an enormous force for good, citing as examples the Inquisition, the Crusades, the Ku Klux Klan, Northern Ireland and the current Civil War in Iraq.

In special Lakemba celebrations, Sheik Feiz Mohammed and Sheikh Taj El-Din Hamid Hilaly are preparing a double act during which they will call all non-muslims pigs, dogs, jews and convicts who should die in a brutal rape if they are lucky, it’s more than they deserve, before ordering all the children of Lakemba to march out and martyr themselves for the “faith” to demonstrate the decadence of the west. The children will be promised a Big Mac and a Coke for lunch if they are good boys and girls and obey the nice Imams (who conspicously will not be martyring themselves personally). It is believed Hilaly’s reason for recruiting the children is that the Iraqi insurgency is producing so many glorious martyrs that heaven is running short of virgins.

Long lines of children were observed Thursday night streaming out of Lakemba.

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