A number of Sydney councils have reportedly paid thousands of dollars to private investigators to visit brothels to gather evidence. (abc news)

Private Investigators throughout Sydney are rushing in their résumés to assist the investigation into what goes on in brothels.

President of the Mickey Spillane Society, John Gumshoe, says, “The Private Eye industry has finally been allowed to return to its roots. Some of our members have already been involved.”

Asked whether the members really had to go so far, in order to gather the evidence, Gumshoe explained, “We’re a bit one-eyed about this. People don’t understand. If we said we just wanted to “talk”, the girls would have known we were suspicious and we wouldn’t have got what we came for.”

A number of local clergymen along with a surprisingly small number of catholic priests, have volunteered their services. “We think that what these girls need is an understanding person who can sit, or even lie, by their side and help them see the error of their naughty ways, ” explained “Pastor Ted”. They are bad, bad girls who need a good spanking but we think we can touch them. We’d like to touch their hearts and other sensitive places in a very special way they may never have been touched before. Our hope is that we will get them on their knees.”

Application forms for the local council investigations into prostitution are running out fast, despite being in their sixth printing.

The NSW Opposition leader, Peter Bedman has promised at least 1,000 new private detectives if elected in March. “Tunnel usage is 50% down on the projected 90,000 per day,” he said, “and we want to know why. I am completely serious about this. The people of NSW come first and I want to know why. The Government can be certain I am going to ask a lot of penetrating questions.”

Premier Maurice Yummy responded that Australia has a well-deserved reputation for volunteerism and using an army of keen and selfless volunteers will save the State a lot of money. “I don’t say it will be easy,” he said, “It will be long and hard but we have no intention of pulling out before the job is well and truly done.”

Tamworth Mayor and One Nation councillor, Pussy Galore, said he thought such an investigation was a possibility in the deep north. “We’ve had Protestants here in Deliverance country for years and they’ve never caused any trouble. Even I visit Protestants from time to time in the course of my official duties to see if there is anything they can do for me. But I do think it’s a good idea to find out if any of them are black or Asian”, he said. “It’s a well-known fact that all non-white people carry horrific diseases.”

Kings Cross police are rumoured to be considering industrial action. “Regular visits to local brothels is our job,” said a spokesperson.

Technorati Tags: Sydney, private investigators, brothel, Mickey Spillane, clergymen, catholic priest