Onion News breaks Tiger Woods’ latest:

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—
In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

“Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me,” Woods said. “I’ve missed it. I love fucking with all my heart.”

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn’t stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

Read the rest at the Ønion here.

From too much sex outside marriage to too little love within marriage…Also on Onion News, outrage over a shocking new law that would ban marriage between people who don’t love each other:

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