Australians are a very spiritual people deep down and they attend their temples on a weekly basis.

Their religion is based on nature and their temples are open to the sky and to the seasons which dictate the forms of their rituals. During the summer they worship a small insect called the Cricket. For the longer rites, which may last many days unless Engllish worshippers are present, the priesthood wear white and the rituals revolve around a red lozenge. For the shorter evening services a white lozenge is preferred and the priests are attired in garb of vibrant hues.

When the days become short and the weather cool the rituals become more fierce and the acolytes run from one end of the temple to the other for no apparent reason except that when you have run one way it is meet and right to run back the other way and knock each other down on the way and to leap wildly in the air. When asked, the priesthood explain merely, "It is a mystery. For when the Yump [high priest] makes a call which doth enrage the masses then must thou have faith. For it is written that in the fullness of time Carlton and Sydney Easts will win but that day is beyond the end of imagining. And that day will be the end of days."

Many adherents make sacrifice to the spirits of their religion by sitting in rows, in trance, for hours at a time in front of one of many hundreds of small metallic altars while constantly passing coin into robotic creatures which show their gratitude for these gifts by spinning their eyes wildly and sometimes making tinkling noises with their moths, which excites the worshippers. While performing this sacrifice these adherents also partake of special libations which bring them into an altered state, often causing them to stagger and fall to the ground in ecstasy, usually with the ritual holy words, "No worries, mate, I'm okay to drive. Pish off."

Most Australians also pretend to be members of (the only true) religion of peace, and of the love of God and of neighbour. Evangelists and missionaries have since antiquity propounded these ideals through the enthusiastic slaughter of many millions of unbelievers who have refused to accept into their hearts their merciful God and his message of love and peace.

Pastor Norman Utzoff

We spoke to Pastor Norman Utzoff. VA: What is Australia's position on religion? NU: On our knees... VA: No, I don't mean the Monica Supplication. What's our stance? NU: Oh! We respect and tolerate all religions, both Anglican and Catholic. VA: What about The Church of the Sound of Music? NU: Hillsaralive? Well, that’s not really a religion; it’s more of a photo opportunity for ambitious politicians.

VA: Don’t they speak in tongues? NU: Well, you know, I think we can tolerate a wide range of English dialects at a stretch. Even Yorkshire. VA: What about other religions? NU: I mean, you know, we tolerate them. This is a Christian country and we preach tolerance. You can believe what you like as long as you agree that we're right. Those wackos don’t do that. Why can’t they tolerate us like we tolerate them? They need to be taught some basic Christian values. And if they can’t realise that our god can kick their god's arse any time then we need to whack the wackos, you know? Bring it on! VA: Thanks. NU: Bush is Lord. VA: Dumus Dominus Est. NU: Amen. VA: Hallelujah! NU: Halliburton!

What almost all religions have in common is that at some or all times in their histories they have slaughtered innocents in the name of love. In fact, Australia is currently engaged, along with the USA and the Benighted Kingdom, in bringing an understanding of God’s love and peace to the people of Iraq.

Philistine

Members of one (the only true) religion were persecuted some time ago and everyone was very sorry for them. They wanted their own house to live in and they found a very nice one. Trouble was, there were people living in it. So groups of them called the "Strict Gang" and the "Organ" and the "Agony Aunt" amongst others, terrorised the occupants and forced them to flee to the back yard where they set up some tents. Then they decided they liked the back yard as well so they made the previous occupants move right up into the back left hand corner where they couldn't grow anything and couldn't do anything. The previous occpuants started to feel and look and smell desperate so the new owners put up a big fence so they didn't have to look at the unsavoury sight. The previous occupants got not only desperate but angry and started throwing stones at the house. So the new owners burnt down their tents. Which only made the previous occupants angrier. So the new owners burnt down the house next door just to show them! And when the previous occupants got even angrier, the new owners called them terrorists, even though that's they did to get the house in the first place. When people complained, the new owners said they'd been persecuted a while ago and so everyone was sorry for them again and said there there that's all right, you terrorise the people you stole the house and the back yard from for as long as you like. You know, that kind of sympathy, that's what real Christians are like!

Bikinism

There is a recent (the only true) religion which was born in the 20th Century on an atoll called Bikini, where the power of the stars came to earth. Most young male Aussies have practised Bikini worship ever since. Priestesses of this religion wear special garb named for the religion. Strangely enough, the less "bikini" there is, the more ardently the young men worship.

The Kristreich

Others are members of a cruciofascist (the only true) religion, "The Sword is Lord", whose faith was begun by a dyslexic proof-reader.

They believe in the literal truth of their holy book, Godlilocks and the Three Exclusive Br'ers.

Sword Is Lordists are Trinitarians who believe that there really was a Godlilocks, really were three bears (the Trinity), really was porridge and really were three beds.

Their rituals include the blessing of the Oat and the exhortation, "...and when he had given thanks, he blessed it and gave it unto them saying, 'This is the Porridge of the Lord thy Godlilocks. Take, eat and be Just Right always'."

But in their religion only three of all humanity will be saved. They are trying their hardest to narrow the odds that one of them will be among the three. Part of their strategy is to carry out unjustifiable wars and to encourage global warming. Their goal is to take over by stealth, or by any other necessary means, the power of the state and to create on earth what they call the "Kristreich".

Justice is delivered by the flaming Sword of Justice and Righteousness. And they who are saved shall have porridge for eternity. Not too hot, not too cold. Just right.

[Kelloggs' "Just Right" muesli is an American heresy.]

Many politicians are secret cruciofascists.

Petty Cash Monitor and secret cruciofascist, Bud Sinsemillo, says un-Christian countries should keep religion and state separate just like we do.

Christian examples include the US where the religious right keeps well out of politics, the fact that George W. Bush only speaks to God in private before making important decisions, and the fact that the right wing of the NSW Liberal Party swears black and blue that they and the Exclusive Brethren are just good friends and if the cruciofascists happened to ensure the preselection of certain rabid sinner-haters by slander, calumny and generally bearing false witness, then there's nothing they can do about it.

Some cruciofascists in the United States believe that (the only true) God allows them special dispensation, and even exhorts them, to break the Commandments (such as by killing abortionists) if it is to show the greater glory of God and his Mercy, and to making flesh his kingdom here on earth, where all men will live by and obey His law (because they don't want to be murdered by true believers) just before they get vaporised in the rhapsody or the ecstacy or something. And they are doing their best to bring on the ultimate conflict which was foretold forsooth. Amen and Hallelujah and Halliburton.

Adherents of another (the only true) god are particularly zealous. Many years ago an ancient monk from a famous winery claimed that, in time before remembering, followers of this god had been said to have human faults, such as stupidity and violence. Devotees of the god took exception to such criticism and proceeded to violently kill innocent people and to stupidly torch any sacred wineries they could find. Modern-day members of this cult are currently engaged in proving to the West the superior love and understanding of their gods. To do what they do for their faith they have to have guts - which can be found in market places, police stations and tall buildings.

Followers of yet another (the only true) religion worship the Profit. Rich people from all nations worship this god.

Those who are searching for their own religion which is the only true religion, just like all the others, are troubled by the absolute certainty with which everyone seems to hold their own beliefs. In the words of the famous beach-bum who invented surfing in Australia, Hermann Bondi:

"The fact that stares one in the face is that people of the greatest sincerity and of all levels of intelligence differ and have always differed in their religious beliefs. Since at most one faith can be true, it follows that human beings are extremely liable to believe firmly and honestly in something untrue in the field of revealed religion. One would have expected this obvious fact to lead to some humility, to some thought that however deep one's faith, one may conceivably be mistaken. Nothing is further from the believer, any believer, than this elementary humility. All in his power...must have his faith rammed down their throats. In many cases children are indeed indoctrinated with the disgraceful thought that they belong to the one group with superior knowledge who alone have a private wire to the office of the Almighty, all others being less fortunate than they themselves."

Flying Spaghetti Monster

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the fastest growing religion in Australia and indeed the world. Millions have been touched by his noodley appendage. It is becoming clear that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was the One True Creator of the universe. Moves are afoot worldwide to have the creation story of the Flying Spaghetti Monster taught in Science classes throughout the world.

And now in the name of the Farter and of the Bum and of the Sunday Roast, be all horror and gory, world without them! RAmen!

Levator labia superioris alique nasi. Dumus dominus est. Amen

 people where they belong