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                           Australian Politics

International greeting of peace

A wave of democracy
sweeping the world






Applying to be an Aussie vizor application





























(trick photo)















Australia believes fiercely in Democracy. Democracy can be incredibly fragile. (Ask the Siamese. And the Kenyans.) It can be absent altogether. (Ask the Pakis and the Burmese.) Corrupt or foolish leaders and bureaucrats can, with the stroke of a pen, remove democratic freedoms and rights that our forefathers fought and gave their lives for. That is why it is so precious and must be protected.

In fact our political system is based on the dictum:

“Democracy is too precious to be entrusted to the masses.”

"Perpetual deception of the citizens by those in power is critical because they need to be led, and they need strong rulers to tell them what's good for them." Strauss, according to Drury

"The public must be put in its place, so that it may exercise its own powers, but no less and perhaps even more, so that each of us may live free of the trampling and the roar of a bewildered herd." Lippmann

"While methods differ sharply from more brutal to more free societies, the goals are in many ways similar: to ensure that the “great beast,” as Alexander Hamilton called the people, does not stray from its proper confines." Chomsky

"Most men, after a little freedom, have preferred authority with the consoling assurances and the economy of effort it brings." Lippmann

That's why Australia only keeps the appearance of Democracy and only brings out the good stuff on special occasions, like when no-one can make up their minds so we put away the rubber stamp for a day and let the representatives actually vote.

Domestic Politics

Australia is a two-party parliamentary democracy: the Liberals and the Greens. It is used to be the Liberal/National Coalition on one side and the well-known spelling mistake, the Labor Party, on the other; but ever since the Liberals incorporated One Nation's policies into its platform the Nationals' position as the wacko right has been usurped, while the Labor party, trying to claw its way back from obscurity and irrelevance, is in danger of engineering its own absorption into the Liberal Party. Voters seem to have decided that The Greens offer the only available alternate policies to the Liberals, but no-one likes them.

Q: What is the Labor Party.

ALP: A professional opposition.

Q: What about government?

ALP: No, we don't have the systems set up to do that. We're perfectly set up to make a good career out of opposition. Nice office, good pay. Excellent retirement plan. Our comrades would be up in arms if we started changing the rules. Demarcation and all that.

Q: But why? What's good about opposition?

ALP: The good thing about opposition is you don't have to have any ideas of your own...or take any of the blame.

Q: What is ALP policy?

ALP: Whatever John Howard says, only more-so.

Q: What does Parliamentary Democracy mean?

ALP: It means you have two parties: a Proposition and a Contradiction.

Q: What is the role of a representative?

ALP: To fearlessly represent the views of their electorate.

Q: How do they vote?

ALP: The way the politburo tells them.

Q: What is the most common phrase used in the ALP?

ALP: " What happened? Where are we?"

Death Penalty

1. Australians do not support the death penalty.

1.1   At least, not for Australians, especially in other countries.

1.2  However, Australians do support the death penalty for non-Australians in other countries.

1.2.1   After all, they're just ignorant, uncivilised nig-nogs...

1.3   ...although Australians do not support the death penalty for non-Australians within            Australia....

1.3.1     ...because that would make us just like the ignorant, uncivilised nig-nogs.


Australians love freedom. Australians are free to do what they want. We’re not like some countries where you are forced to do certain things. You are free to vote. In fact you are so free to vote that if you don’t, we will fine you. And if you don’t pay the fine we will put you in prison.

To put it another way, you must understand the difference between a right and a privilege. In Australia a right is something you may do. A Privilege is something you must do or go to prison.

For example, in Australia, education is a Privilege.

God, we love making people do things. People who like making people do things the most are called Bureaucrats.

The Australian judicial system is based on the principal that you are innocent until proven guilty. Unless your name is David Hicks.

Australian Foreign Policy

Australia manufactures export quality Democracy. Rupe (our Mate) liked Australian-style democracy so much we gave him the country.

Australia bows to no-one when it comes to how we run our own country. It firmly asserts the sovereignty of its foreign policy.

It is fiercely independent in international relations and has long been a shining light of tolerance, freedom and integrity. In fact Australia has always punched above its weight in international influence, beginning with the Suez crisis and Sir Robert Minge.

Australia always carefully considers international affairs and takes its own counsel on its attitude to current world issues. And then we do what George wants.

We unashamedly make our laws solely and entirely in the sovereign interest of Australia and Australians. As long as that is all right with the Indonesians.

We are a racially tolerant society. The only people we don't like are people from Beirut, Bombay, Beijing, Bangladesh, Bolivia, Brazil, Bhutan, Burma and Birmingham. We like people from Bali (but not Balinese judges) as long as they stay where they are, and we don't go there any more ourselves.

Export Quality Liberty

Australians believe in liberty so strongly that we are willing to go to the arsehole of the earth, or at least as far as Iraq (same thing) to forcefully encourage others to adopt it.

In fact, we have helped to deliver freedom to Iraq at the bargain price of only up to 100,000 lives [update 11 Oct 06: 650,000]. Some might think this is a high cost, but they forget that quality costs more.

        Ben Dover  and  Philip Mapoussie

We spoke to Ben Dover, Minister for Pacific Island Holidays, and Philip Mapoussie, Head of the Defence Security Squadron.

VA: Explain to me again why we went to Iraq.

PM: Well after we ran out of the other reasons, like WMD and Al Qaeda running rampant there, we settled on the fact that Saddam was an evil tyrant...

BD: ... who brutally oppressed his people.

PM: He terrified them, lied about what they did...

BD: ...incarcerated them without trial or hope of release, and tortured them.

VA: Not like us?

PM: Not at all. It's entarly different. We take terrified Iraqi refugees, lie about their intentions, incarcerate them without trial...

BD: ...or hope of release...

PM: ...or hope of release, and only approve of their torture by the US.

VA: Surely not?

BD: I mean, we couldn't tell them to stop it. They're the US! They know best!

VA: Why do they torture innocent people?

BD: Just in case they might be terrorists.

VA: And why do we do all that stuff to Iraqi refugees?

BD: Just in case they might be terrorists.

VA: Seems harsh.

BD: We just have to be strong and try to bear the misfortune of others.

PM: Anyway, it's their own fault for trying to come here.

BD: In any case we compassionately arrange placements for them in special re-education camps on Pacific paradises like Christmas Island and Nauru.

PM: Forever.

VA: Just help me out here. You say you invaded Iraq because Saddam was a vile tyrant...

BD: ...Oh, very vile!


VA: So why don't you also invade other countries which are run by vile tyrants?

PM: Such as?

VA: Well, Burma, for instance. Myanmar.

BD: What did he say? I couldn't hear him.

PM: We don't do Burma...

VA: Then what about Dafur?

PM: ...or Africa.

VA: I just want to pass a couple of criticisms by you and get your comments. Here's the first one:

Walter Lipmann: "There is no arguing with the pretenders to a divine knowledge and to a divine mission. They are possessed with the sin of pride, they have yielded to the perennial temptation."

BD: Yes, I agree with that. The difference is that we're not pretenders. We're the real deal. God talks to our leader.

VA: John Howard?

BD: George Bush.

VA: Really? And this one?

Walter Lipmann again: "The time has come to stop beating our heads against stone walls under the illusion that we have been appointed policeman to the human race."

PM: No, that's wrong.

VA: You disagree?

PM: Certainly. It's not an illusion. We areally are the policeman to the world. Look - here's my DSS badge.

VA: Thanks.

PM and BD: "Dumus dominus est."
















"The best servants of the people, like the best valets, must whisper unpleasant truths in the master's ear. It is the court fool, not the foolish courtier, whom the king can least afford to lose." Lippmann


 people where they belong

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