Lifestyle             Border Security               Media                       History                    English                     Religion                      Politics                     Culture
               Australian Mateship Application


Please answer the following Questions. [Some guidance is provided.]



























English Language

1. Do you know how to speak English?

Scusi? > Go back to English class


2. What is a mate?

"A bloke who won't root your wife without asking you first."

3. Name two mates

a. "Jamie Packer"

b. "Mark Taytor"

3A. Who is David Penberthy?
      "My new mate"

3B. What about Alan Jones?
      "He's on a literary outing" .

4. Who is a best mate?

"Someone you would be willing to give the country to for some good press"
"Both of the above"

5. What valuable gift would you give to your best mate?


6. What is a real mate?

Someone who slings his friend a slab?
Someone who lies and cheats for his friend?

Someone who would lay down his wife for his friend?


7. Australians treat women with respect. Whom do we respect most?

Jennifer Hawkins
Janet Jackson

8. Why?

"Two is better than one."

9. What do you call a man who prefers the company of women to the company of his mates?

"A poofter"


10. What is the best car ever built?

"The Ute"

11. Why?

"Because it can carry a 44-gallon drum on the tray with your blue cattle dog."

12. What was the worst car ever built?

"The Leyland P76"

13. Why?

"Because it could carry a 44-gallon drum in the boot but your blue cattle dog would suffocate to death."

14. Recite the best pome ever written.

I, Lover,
by Dorothea McKenzie

I, lover.
Some burn curry.
Alana's weepin'.
A rag-'ead mounted rangers.
A drowsin' flood un-reins.
I, love 'er:
Farrah Risens.
I, love 'er:
Jewel "C."
A bewdy, Anna Terra!
Ah, why, brown lamb?
Firm me!



15. What are the four major food groups?

Macdonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut and Subway
Pies, Fries, Burgers and Coke

16. What is a "couch potato"?

"An Australian fully participating in Australian life."


17. Who is above the law?

George W. Bush

18. When does the presumption of innocence not apply?

" When your name is David Hicks."


19. Do Australians value obscene superannuation benefits for their politicians?

Of course, my lord and master

20. Why isn't Australia a republic yet?

"Because ditching the Queen would be like kicking your Mum out of her own dunny in the middle of the night without her ugh boots."

21. What do politicians do?

"Try to stop bad things from happening after they’ve already happened. "

22. What is John Howard's greatest hope for the future of Australia?

"Another Tampa or Children Overboard just before the next election."

International Politics

23. What was Australia's opinion of Iraqis before the war?

"We had the greatest sympathy. Our hearts went out to them. They were victims of a brutally oppressive ruthlessly torturing tyrannical regime."

24. What is Australia's opinion of Iraqis now?

"We have the greatest sympathy for them. Our hearts go out to them. They are victims of a brutally oppressive ruthlessly torturing regime."

25. What do we think of Iraqis who try to flee this brutal oppression and torture to a safe country like Australia?

"They are terrorists."

26. If you want to take an Australian stand on international events, from whom should you seek permission?

The Australian People
George W. Bush

27. If you want to make laws for the Australian people, from whom should you seek permission?

The Australian People
George W. Bush

28. If you make an Australian movie in Australia for Australians, who gets Final Cut?

George W. Bush


29. What nationality is Split Enz now?

New Zealander

30. What nationality is Russell Crowe now?

New Zealander

31. What nationality is Mel Gibson now?

New Zealander


32. What is the other name for the "Church of the Sound of Music"?

"The Hillsaralive"

33. What is The Hillsaralive"

"A photo opportunity for cynically ambitious federal treasurers."

34. Who said, "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"?

Some commie Marxist pinko Maoist probably a pedophile teacher.

Please read and indicate your acceptance of the following declaration

1.             I,   am not a terrorist, god willing,

2.           I love youse. I love youse all.

3.          Australia is the best bloody country in the world.

4.           I reckon Aussie sheilas are gorgeous.

      4A.         But I promise not to touch your daughter.

      4B.         Or your llittle boy.

5.           My cousin will fix your car for you cheap (cash only).

6.           I will sling you a slab if you let me in.

7.          I promise to be nice and not blow anything up.

8.          I promise to always vote Liberal.




 people where they belong

| Australian Slang | Freedom of Speech | Home
Do you need help understanding this site? Need a translation into another language? Too bad. Learn to speak English.