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Australian History began in 1770 when Captain James Cook (sometimes known as "the Naked Captain" or "Jamie Cook") first invented Australia.
Now, we don’t mean that Dirk Hartog and Dampier and others had not landed here hundreds of years earlier, or that certain Asian traders had not come down from islands in the Indonesian archipelago thousands of years before. We mean that a real person, by which of course is meant an Englishman, first came here in 1770 and claimed the country for the King.
There was no-one living here legally in 1770 and anyway they didn’t count. They just didn’t fit in. They wore strange clothes (or none at all!) and they spoke a strange gibberish and Australians have never really liked that sort of thing.
Australia was claimed under the law of Terra Nulla Nulla.
As a result, the illegal immigrants who tried to pre-emptively steal our country about 60,000 years ago - and who have since been suspected of terra-ism - were placed in indefinite detention.
The first detention facility which was built was called Long Bay and it has always been used almost exclusively for the incarceration of aboriginals - for your protection. Otherwise, next thing you know they’ll claim they own your house and your back yard and the park down the road and the shops and they'll say they were here first!
The King always claimed that the aboriginal people were hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction and because it was the King we agreed with him. We looked for a long time, but the jury was still out for about 150 years, but eventually in the 1950s or whenever we managed to dig up their huge caches of nuclear materials they'd been hiding and sell them to people we could trust, like the French, the Chinese, the Pakistanis and the Indians. In the meantime we got the English to come here and nuke their land with a taste of shockin' awe. 1,000 miles away it made a sound like "Wooom! or "Woomprah!" "Woomerah!" so that's what we called it. Just to show them who was boss and if they didn't want us to go there, we'd make damn sure they couldn't either for a couple of hundred thousand years.
Many libertarian historians have claimed that the primitives were harshly treated and that Australia should apologise for such treatment. Nothing could be further from the truth, and anyway they deserved it for being such thieves and so black. Nevertheless they have always been well-looked after. They are allowed at least two hours a day in the exercise yard and their accommodation - at our expense! - includes their very own shit pan which is a great deal more than they used to have as savages in the bush!
More sober and unbiased historians have carefully sifted the evidence and have concluded that the claims of massacres and harsh treatment are myths propounded by bleeding hearts. One such fair-minded academic is Irving Candicocque, who has written a number of scholarly treatises which lay out the true facts.
His works include:
Candicocque's novels are published by Pangloss History and are available from Sextant House.
Australia's first Groveller General was Lord Water Cunntiham, Viscount of the Sink, Sinker of the Port, Earl of the Queen's Garter and Lord Keeper of the Royal Arrogance.
He was the illegitimate son of Lord Lummy and Lord E. Lordy.
It was Lord Water Cunntiham who set the tax collectors upon the recalcitrant minors of the Kalgoorlie goldfields in Bendigo and retrieved the bullion which was owing and sent it back to the King.
However, this action caused fury in the ordinary Australian battlers and spawned the birth of Australia's proud tradition of a healthy disrespect for authority.
This tradition can still be observed today in such contemporary examples as:
"A Beautiful Thing"
Recently we have been involved, in a sandshoe paradise called Iraq, in what can only be described as a "cakewalk". In fact that's exactly what Amercan presidential advisor, Kenneth Adleman, said it would be, before it even happened! How did he know? Pure genius? He also said about the war in Iraq:
And you know, we in the Australian Government don’t think people are as aware as they should be of just how beautiful the thing is that we have done in Iraq, so here is a quick, although GRAPHIC, clip:
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