Australian History began in 1770 when Captain James Cook (sometimes known as "the Naked Captain" or "Jamie Cook") first invented Australia.

Now, we don’t mean that Dirk Hartog and Dampier and others had not landed here hundreds of years earlier, or that certain Asian traders had not come down from islands in the Indonesian archipelago thousands of years before. We mean that a real person, by which of course is meant an Englishman, first came here in 1770 and claimed the country for the King.

There was no-one living here legally in 1770 and anyway they didn’t count. They just didn’t fit in. They wore strange clothes (or none at all!) and they spoke a strange gibberish and Australians have never really liked that sort of thing.

Australia was claimed under the law of Terra Nulla Nulla.

As a result, the illegal immigrants who tried to pre-emptively steal our country about 60,000 years ago - and who have since been suspected of terra-ism - were placed in indefinite detention.

The first detention facility which was built was called Long Bay and it has always been used almost exclusively for the incarceration of aboriginals - for your protection. Otherwise, next thing you know they’ll claim they own your house and your back yard and the park down the road and the shops and they'll say they were here first!

The King always claimed that the aboriginal people were hiding Weapons of Mass Destruction and because it was the King we agreed with him. We looked for a long time, but the jury was still out for about 150 years, but eventually in the 1950s or whenever we managed to dig up their huge caches of nuclear materials they'd been hiding and sell them to people we could trust, like the French, the Chinese, the Pakistanis and the Indians. In the meantime we got the English to come here and nuke their land with a taste of shockin' awe. 1,000 miles away it made a sound like "Wooom! or "Woomprah!" "Woomerah!" so that's what we called it. Just to show them who was boss and if they didn't want us to go there, we'd make damn sure they couldn't either for a couple of hundred thousand years.

Many libertarian historians have claimed that the primitives were harshly treated and that Australia should apologise for such treatment. Nothing could be further from the truth, and anyway they deserved it for being such thieves and so black. Nevertheless they have always been well-looked after. They are allowed at least two hours a day in the exercise yard and their accommodation - at our expense! - includes their very own shit pan which is a great deal more than they used to have as savages in the bush!

More sober and unbiased historians have carefully sifted the evidence and have concluded that the claims of massacres and harsh treatment are myths propounded by bleeding hearts. One such fair-minded academic is Irving Candicocque, who has written a number of scholarly treatises which lay out the true facts.

His works include:

Denying the obvious: Our Grandfathers Could Never Have Did Nothing So Nasty Like What They Say

Losing Our Homework: Why the British Never Done it, and Anyway Who Can Blame Them?

Voltaire and Me: Everything for the Best in the Best of All Possible White Men's Worlds

The Aboriginal Protection Boards – They Never Stole No Kids and Anyway it Was for Their Own Good.

The Great Big Massacre Hoax - they weren’t killed; they just ran away and never come back

Candicocque's novels are published by Pangloss History and are available from Sextant House.

Grace T. Cosey, first Australian Prime Minister and some of the stumps he dug up.

Australia's first Priminster was Grace T. Cosey, a grazier from Western Victoria. In those days the countryside was covered in boring trees that were just asking to be turned into rolling English hills. Cosey spent most of his youth and childbearing years cutting down trees and jumping the stumps. He became so good at this that he became a legend around the stumps and invented cricket. His first patriotic deed was to cream the Poms at Cricket. He told the Poms they were coming to a tea party with cream and scones but all they got was the creaming and hit on the scone by a fast one from Lily. Lily (née Lilian Thomson) was Grace's wife. She had became very good at cricket because Grace had let her play with his balls since they began courting. [Lily was the reason cricket has a law against chucking. Lily, being a girl, couldn't throw and because he made up the game Cosey could make up any rule like that only girlies could be bowlers. This suited the Poms more than he intended.] Anyway, one day he bet he would win a match. Unfortunately he lost his trousers on the bet. So the guys said either you take off your pants or run the country. So began the tradition of Priministers losing their pants. So he did and he did very well. It was a very relaxed and comfortable country and that's where the phrase comes from: "The Cosey Country."

Australia's first Groveller General was Lord Water Cunntiham, Viscount of the Sink, Sinker of the Port, Earl of the Queen's Garter and Lord Keeper of the Royal Arrogance.

He was the illegitimate son of Lord Lummy and Lord E. Lordy.

It was Lord Water Cunntiham who set the tax collectors upon the recalcitrant minors of the Kalgoorlie goldfields in Bendigo and retrieved the bullion which was owing and sent it back to the King.

However, this action caused fury in the ordinary Australian battlers and spawned the birth of Australia's proud tradition of a healthy disrespect for authority.

This tradition can still be observed today in such contemporary examples as:

"A Beautiful Thing"

Recently we have been involved, in a sandshoe paradise called Iraq, in what can only be described as a "cakewalk". In fact that's exactly what Amercan presidential advisor, Kenneth Adleman, said it would be, before it even happened! How did he know? Pure genius? He also said about the war in Iraq:

"It bothers me that people in Britain don’t see it as people in America see it. We did a beautiful thing."

And you know, we in the Australian Government don’t think people are as aware as they should be of just how beautiful the thing is that we have done in Iraq, so here is a quick, although GRAPHIC, clip:

 people where they belong