You have to speak English if you want to come here because we can’t understand your gibberish and if we can’t understand what you’re saying about us we get scared. We can’t understand your plotting and conniving and your vile schemes, especially if you sound Middle Eastern. Or American. So if you're Canadian, be sure to let us know as soon as you can.
Australia is not only a sporting country. It is also a poetic country. This is why when two teams compete against each other we call it "versing". There is a parallel competition to write the most evocative description of the game.
For example, here is a poem from the famous writer, Iva Hardon:
Other well-known poems include Ode to The NSW Rail System by Miwang Izzard
and The Imam from Snowy River by Phillip McCrack:
As soon as you get here you have to change your name.
If you give yourself an Australian-sounding name Australians won’t even notice you can’t speak the language. It’s the easiest and quickest way to fit in. Even consider changing your name before you apply for your visa. Call yourself Douglas and the immigration officials won’t even notice you’re Muslim. They'll assume you are English and let you straight in.
For example, if your name is Wun Shu On you should change it to Wayne as soon as possible.
If you are Greek and your name is Phillip you should change it to Windsor without delay.
If your name is Burhan or Bayhas, Bruce will do you and you should arrange to change it shortly after landing.
In any case, Australians won’t use your ethnic name because it’s a bit, you know, woggish. And anyway they can’t pronounce it, and if you don’t do it for yourself they will give you one before you know it and it will probably be Mervin.
You must also give your children proper Australian names. Be careful though. You must give your children bogan names. You must be current. If you call your children names that were popular 50 years ago they simply won’t fit in at school.
Names not to call your boys:
John, William, James, Robert, Charles, George, Henry, Thomas, Edward, or David.
You can call your boys:
Tory, Ethan, Logan, Kyle, Aiden, Jayden, Josh, Tyler, Zack, Gage, Kai, Landon, Xander, or Troy.
Names not to call your girls:
Elizabeth, Mary, Margaret, Barbara, Patricia, Carol, Catherine, Julie, Jacqueline, or Jane.
You can call your girls:
Brody, Madison, Alyssa, Chloe, Hailey, Mia, Brook, Trinity, Riley, Jade, Leah, Ashlyn, or Brooklyn.
1) Finish every sentence with the word “mate”.
Be sure to pronounce it correctly. It is not “mite” which is a small insect. It is “mah-eat” and about as slow as that.
2) Greet people with the word “g’day”.
Don’t pronounce it “guddye”, “guddoy”, or “g’deh-ee”. Everyone will think you’re an American dickhead. It’s “g'dah-ee”(or “g’duh-ee” if you’re in a hurry).
HOW TO DO THE AUSTRALIAN ACCENT
To speak like a fair dinkum Aussie, practise speaking with your mouth closed and without moving your lips or jaw. This stops the dunny budgies getting into your mouth. To you it may sound like mumbling, but other fair dinkum Aussies will understand you perfectly well.
If Aussies can see your mouth moving they will think you’re an arse-bandit, a wanker, a try-hard, or an intellectual. Probably all of these. All are deprecated in Australian culture.
Following are all of the real Aussie words you will need to be able to say and to understand. There is a sealed section below which you should not let your kddies read unless you want a bit of a giggle.
Bogan One who lives elsewhere than, or has interests different from, oneself. Melbournite. Dickhead
Bondi Chest Far from Manly, weedy
Cat burying shit, as busy as a Obviously not at work
Chuck a sickie Attend a test cricket match
Compo National alternative to superannuation
Croc sandwich Tourist in northern Australia
Dag Wool around a sheep’s anus clumped with excreta and therefore a term of endearment. Best mate.
Drop Bears Savage bush creatures which live in every tree under which a tourist passes.
Dunny budgie Blowfly
Ewer Wake? Foreplay
Ewer Wake Love? Extended foreplay
Fair Dinkum White
Galah Stupid but flashy person. Politician.
Industrialations Workplace thuggery.
Ining What your mother still does for you when you are 35.
Lunch, who opened their? Phrase used after farting in the lift, to avoid suspicion.
Mate! Term that can be, and is, used to mean almost anything including 1) Hullo 2) Excuse me! 3) would you mind... ? 4) It is good to see you again 5) I sympathise 6) Well done! 7) You should not have done that 8) etc. etc.
Matie! Male friend of male person for whom, when intoxicated, he feels a strong fellowship. “I love you, matie!” Never to be confused with “poofter” who has such feelings even when not pissed to the eyeballs.
Naughty, have a Have a goodie
No worries! I am blissfully unaware of the situation or the consequences.
Not a problem You are a complete bastard for sticking me with this!
Not the full quid 19/6
Nucular 1) If owned by the USA or the UK (now also the Russians), an approved Weapon of Mass Destruction; if owned by a muslim country or the French, the work of satan in the hands of evil-doers; if owned by the Indians or Chinese, an approved commerical transaction.
Nuke Bring enlightenment, christianity, freedom and democracy to undeserving savages in the only language they understand.
Nuddy Condition in which Australian men believe they most resemble Superman.
On the Wallaby Engaged in itinerant pursuit, between engagements. Named for the sexual extremes to which a lonely itinerant may be forced to go.
Pig's arse! Failed Liberal Party President
Pissed Intoxicated. What you did into your host's fish tank when intoxicated.
Pissed to the eyeballs Intoxicated to the point of probably vomiting shortly and walking into the path of oncoming cars, and therefore both a highly amusing condition and cause for pride.
(Bring a) Plate (Arrive with) food, commonly sandwiches, slices, salads, nibblies. (Note to immigrants: Do not bring only a plate. The host has plenty of crockery.)
Plonk The sound your bum makes when you fall to the ground after half a glass.
Politician "An arse upon which everyone has sat except a man" (cummings).
Pommy shower Underarm deodorant
Pommy bastard Englishman who fails to even take a pommy shower before going about in public.
Port Bogan term for "suitcase"
Pot Bogan term for “middy”
Potato cake Bogan term for "scallop"
Prison Aboriginal housing solution
Raw prawn What you should not come with me
also "Wanna root?" Extended foreplay
Root rat Aussie sheila (optimistically)
Stastistics 10% more than "statistics".
Seckertree (also Seckertairy) Female slave, office waitress
Seckiteers Bogan for "secateurs"
She’ll be right I hate you for putting me in this compromising position
Speedos Budgie smugglers (Bogan equivalents: "cossies, bathers, swimmers, trunks")
The ABC The reason intelligent Australians can remain in Australia for extended periods.
The Arts in Australia
Thongs Tuneth people thing about thandalth and dental floth
Too hard basket filing system for Aboriginal issues
True Blue White
Ute Greatest Australian invention. Ever.
Verse compete against
Bull dyke Particularly aggressive same sex attracted female. Not favoured in girl-on-girl action for male entertainment (such as jelly wrestling).
Cunt 1) Male or female who has caused mild inconvenience. 2) After more than five years of marriage, one’s spouse (of either sex). Often heard immediately before the slamming of doors or the throwing of dishes. (“Cunt!”). 3) Any person who cuts one off in traffic.
Cunt of a (also "cunnerva") Of poor quality or aggravating character. “This is a cunt of a job”, “That was a cunnerva thing to do, mate!”
Deadshit 1) Person appraised as being of below average intelligence, 2) person with limited understanding and experience of the real world; politician (“What a deadshit Tony Abbott is!”). 3) Person who disagrees with one’s point of view (“You’re such a deadshit!”). 4) An American.
Deadshits The rest of the world in general (“look what the deadshits are doing in the Middle East”.)
Dickhead 1) male not endowed with superior intelligence. One who intentionally pursues unintelligent ends by unintelligent means; politician. 2) Any male when compared to oneself.
Fucking bitch Same as Cunt (2)
Fucking cunt Male who has caused significant inconvenience.
Fuck me! Expression of mild surprise. Not generally a call to action.
Fuck me dead! Expression of exasperation or great surprise.
Fuck off! 1) “Leave the vicinity with all haste!”. 2) (dismissively) I reuse to comply,
Fuck off, cunt! Go away. I do not like you and I am not joking..
To fuck off To go away generally (“Where’s he fucked off to?”), also instruction (“Why don’t you just fuck off?”).
Fuck one off To dismiss, get rid of ("The Mormons came to the door but I fucked them off quick smart!")
To fuck off early To leave one’s place of employment before the agreed finishing time. (“This job gives me the shits. I am going to fuck off early.”)
Fuck me dead! “I am quite upset and frustrated.”
Fuck you! 1) “I am angry with your recent action”, 2) “I refuse to comply with your request”.
Poofter, poof 1) Male who enjoys the company of women to that of his mates 2) male who is “same sex attracted” 3) Male with whom one is not friendly. 4) Teenage suicide victim
Poofter bashing Popular Saturday night sport for bright young lads from the suburbs.
Skippy poofter Same sex attracted Caucasian Australian male. Popular Saturday night target for bright young lads from the inner suburbs with loud cars. Any Australian male not of Middle Eastern heritage.
Oxford Street Once a Sydney neighbourhood predominantly the haunt of skippy poofs. Now mainly frequented by trendy and more than averagely attractive young heterosexual women with long legs, tall boots, short skirts, prominent breasts, a taste for extremely expensive cocktails and the social skills to get them for free.
Mardi Gras a world-famous, vibrant celebration of homosexual liberation in Oxford Street. A parade most enjoyed by heterosexuals and nuclear families, after which the nation returns to the usual denigration, scorn, condemnation and abuse of poofters (particularly by devotees of religious faiths whose central dogma is “love”).
Shit 1) eliminate stools from the anus, 2) upset (“You shit me”)
Shit to tears Intensive of Shit (2) (“You shit me to tears”)
(Oh) Shit! In motoring and aviation, famous last word(s).
Shits, the shits 1) diarrhoea, 2) a generalised bad feeling, metaphorically the emotional equivalent of diarrhoea, 3) feeling of boredom, aggravation or frustration (“This job gives me the shits!”). 4) upset generally (“He’s got the shits.”)
Shit house 1) outdoor water closet, 2) dunny, 3) place of work, 4) school, 5) habitat of dunny budgies (q.v.).
Shithouse Of poor quality ("How did you go in your exam?" "Shithouse!")
Shit stirrer Agent
Shitfer brains Vocative for one not highly regarded (“Hey! Shitfer brains! Get yer arse over ‘ere!”),
(Have) shit for brains Be more than averagely incompetent (“He’s got shit for brains.”)
Slut woman of loose morality prized by men for pre-marital sexual relations.
Virgin Woman of chaste virtue preferred by men as a marriage partner.
Tinny 1) Drink can made from steel 2) Boat made from aluminium
Ocean outfalls Until the 1990s the preferred means of inserting the numerous and world-famous “Manly mullets” and “Bondi cigars” into the waters of Sydney’s world-famous swimming beaches, Bondi and Manly. Until the 1990s you could pinch a loaf (q.v.) in the Western Suburbs on Friday and go swimming with it at Manly Beach on Sunday. Since pipes were laid along the seabed away from the sewerage works, now areas in the ocean one or two kilometres off Sydney famous for the prolific, strange-tasting fish to be caught there.
Hostage negotiations The measured release, on a case by case basis, and after due and diligent consideration, of stools from the anus.
Pinch a loaf 1) engage in hostage negotiations. 2) Also famous grounds for transportation from England to somewhere immeasurably better. (An example of the compassion of 18 th Century English “justice” now being revived by the Australian Ministry for Truth.)
Towel heads 1) Stupid foreigners with un-Australian customs and strange gods. From early Australian children’s games, headgear fashioned from partly-rolled-up towels, worn by children at the local swimming pool pretending to be dashing European heroes who ruled Arabia such as, in the 1950s, Rudolf Valentino in The Sheik; or from late 1960s, Lawrence of Arabia. Now victims in shoot ‘em up games. 2) People so stupid they need freedom and democracy belted into them, western-style.
Wanker 1) Male who has sex exclusively with the only human being who knows exactly how he likes it. 2) What the “W” in George W. Bush stands for.
Up oneself, be 1) Characteristic of a wanker who forgets that there is only one person in his perfect relationship. (“John Howard is up himself.”) 2) Be American.
Youse Plural of “you”. Commonly used by pugilists with incipient brain damage (“I love youse! I love youse all!”). Not to be confused with homophonic inamoratae of New Zealanders (apocryphally).
people where they belong
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